Monday, October 20, 2008

Stop Takin’ Our Damn Words!

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Remember the movie star one-name trend? It seems one day celebrity dieting got so out of hand that the weight of a surname was too much for anyone living in Hollywood's Hills to carry and suddenly stars such as, Brad, Angelina and George were left holding only single name monikers.

Presumably these abbreviations were purely altruistic, as they'd lesson our burdens when talking about important things such as Ocean's Thirteen, and Tomb Raider, and should these single names add confusion to conversations involving non famous Brads: perhaps a son, a mentor, or a life partner, well that was a small price to pay.

Now though, I'm starting to get worried. The one word name trend has spread beyond people and is now sweeping the restaurant industry. Here's a conversation I heard last night when visiting Hollywood:

"Have you eaten at Craft or Ammo?"
"Yeah but I prefer Milk or Eat."
"I've always wanted to try Chocolate, let's go retro progressive and do a Chocolate - Milk thing!"

What if I want milk as a thing to drink or ammo as a means of killing zombies? And frankly I've got a friend named George and he's getting upset that I'm now completely confused by any reference to himself and automatically launch into conversation about ER and Clooney's brief run on the Facts of Life upon hearing his name.

With restaurants and celebs doing this, it's not long before car-makers, trade associations, cable news channels, babies weighing more than five pounds eight ounces, and every-friggen-body-else start claiming hole entire words as their own. You'll ask for "eggs" "benedict" and end up with a debutante from Alabama infected with a very specific form of Lyme disease. The English language will break down as we know it and we won't even be able to shoot each other cause we'll be trying to load our firearms with crap ass eateries located on Highland pushing eighteen dollar broccoli soup.

Anyway, I'm gonna go work on my cave drawings.

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