Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Teenie Tones™ : A Second Look

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On Monday April 28, 2008 we here at FunBox had posted a candid appraisal of a musical act that performed at a local mall. There was an immediate and intense outcry against what had been deemed a “harsh” review. Claims were made that we, a comedy site on the internet, had perverted something intended as pure and innocent entertainment for children, into something perverted. After numerous requests to remove the posting or risk legal action, we quickly capitulated and took down the offending material. One of the core values that we hold dear at FunBox, is to listen to any complaint and do what they want. Who are we to have our own opinion? As one of the bibles says, “it is the braying donkey that gets fed.” So here is our revised review of the newest sensation in singing marionettes, the Teenie Tones.

Photo Curtesy of our own Funbox Reporters

Teenie Tones™:
A review of the show so great it makes me want to kill myself because I know life cannot possibly get any better.

What would you say if I told you there was a planet that was far far away called Muzar? What if I told you it was inhabited by nine children who communicate through music? Now, what if I told you that those intergalactic kids are rock star puppets and they are going to fly on their Starship Harmony (that runs on clapping) and come visit a mall near you? If you are like me you would look around and ask to see God because hey, this must be heaven (more like heavFun)! But luckily you don’t have to die to experience this miracle, all you have to do is be fortunate enough to attend a Teeny Tones™ show! With inspired lyrics set to soul stirring music, these delightfully care free puppets rock their way through some of the most wonderful entertainment ever created ever. With so much negativity bombarding our children everyday, this wholesome group of puppet performers is just what every parent should feel obliged to take their children to. I have heard reports that a handicapped child went to a Teenie Tones™ show and left walking. The best part is that the fun doesn’t have to stop at the mall, the benevolent people behind the show have put together an assortment of tapes and shirts that will almost definitely help stop any child from becoming a homeless drug addict. Feel free to comment below with which Teenie Tones™ is your favorite! Mine is La-Le!

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Friday, April 25, 2008

Hello I am a Cute College Girl Checking my Myspace!

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Hello I am a cute college girl checking my Myspace! Please click on me because I am totally real. You can tell I am real because I am not so super hot as to clearly be an advertisement, yet still cute enough to grab your total attention.

Oh, ha ha ha! Something I read on screen made me laugh!

I’ll grip this pillow tightly. Is it because I am cold? Or am I lonely? Either way if you were my real boyfriend you would keep me warm. It’s a real possibility that you would become my boyfriend if you clicked on me.

Don’t I seem fun? Remember when I laughed? I clearly must have a good sense of humor. Look! Below me there is what appears to be a chat screen.

I am typing messages to you!

Why are you not responding? If you don’t click on me how will we ever meet and fall in love?

NO! Don’t check your messages! If you don’t click on me now then when you come back to your home screen I won’t be here any more! I’ll be replaced by ducks with targets on them or an opportunity to get in a boxing match with President Bush! All I ever did was yearn for you! How can you betray me like this?

Hello I am a cute college girl checking my Myspace! Please click on me because I am totally real... WIN AN X-BOX 360!

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Things Overheard at the Iron Man Premiere

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“Iron Man! They should call him Iron Suit Man, because it was his suit that was made of iron and not him and I don’t even think he used iron.”

“Did you see Stan Lee’s cameo? He played the soulless man who would do anything for money.”

“I love theater popcorn!”

“I should have waited to watch that on YouTube when it’s a 3 minute montage of explosions set to Seal’s ‘Kiss from a Rose.’”

“Did you hear they are doing a comic based on the movie?”

“I couldn’t decide who I wanted to kiss more, Iron Man or Tony Stark!”

“Badoo. Pwew! Pwew! Fwoomp! (Runs around like he is flying).”

"George Lucas really took Indiana Jones to a weird place."

“Wow, you can hardly tell that Robert Downey Jr. no longer has a drug problem.”

“I was disappointed. That had nothing to do with the song “Iron Man.

“That movie just made me more excited for the upcoming Hulk movie!”

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Star Wars: Hoth University Crime Notes

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Student Caught Masturbating Behind Ion Cannon
A resident of Yavin Hall called to report a man masturbating behind the V-150 Planet Defender Ion Cannon located outside his dorm window. The Department of Public Safety reported. The cannon was undamaged but a cleaning crew was dispatched

Snowspeeder Damaged in Parking Lot
General Rieekan called to report that his snowspeeder was dented while parked behind Echo Base. The speeder received minor fender damage estimated at 250 credits. The incident is under investigation.

Tauntaun’s Shaved in Fraternity Prank
Three tauntauns were shaved outside Dantooine House in what appears to be a fraternity prank. DPS reported the tauntauns were cold and confused.

Hydrospanner Nabbed from Rack Near Docking Bay
A maintenance worker called to note that his FastTurn-3 hydrospanner stolen from its rack outside Docking Bay 7. The hydrospanner was valued at 80 credits and was green.

Police Issue Wookie Alcohol Citation
A wookie was issued a minor in possession of alcohol citation, DPS reported. Police said the student was given the citation after being found pouring grape syrup into an ice corridor and claiming the hall was his snow cone.

Graffiti Spray Painted on R-2 Unit
An R-2 unit notified public safety it discovered graffiti was spray-painted on torso after powering up from its sleep mode. An arrow pointing the droid’s speaker unit and the word “gay!” was written in black paint. Police have no suspects

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Things I do to my Girlfriend that I think are Funny but that She Finds Hurtful

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1. Gently whispering in her ear, “You know who I love? I’ll give you a hint her name starts with a ‘Y’ and ends with an ‘ou’… That’s right Yoko Takahashou, the Japanese Artist, she’s really, really good.”

2. Pretending to forget her birthday, by throwing her a huge surprise party several months before her actual birthday.

3. Waking up in the middle of the night sobbing and when she asks, “What’s wrong” saying, “I just had this horrible nightmare, we were married and had kids and were spending our lives together.” Then trying to make out with her.

4. Spending a really long time looking at, and gently touching, Male mannequins.

5. Playing house with Susie Milksberg, but when my girlfriend comes over, only wanting to play transformers.

6. Saying, “Maybe we should just snuggle tonight.” And then when we’re spooning start to dry-hump and, when she responds positively, saying “Why is it always about sex with you!”

7. When we’re playing Risk saying, “Ok you can take South America!” but then leaving 4 armies in Venezuela that I’ll never use.

7. Faking a pregnancy.

8. Asking her if she ever “just tried not being a robot, just to see how it felt.”

9. Mis-numbering things.

10. Buying her a power tool as a gift and then when she tries to give it to me saying, “No, that’s a girl’s drill.”

And finally,

11. Asking “Who needs a hug?” and then giving her a hug.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

An Excerpt from Super Mario Bros. The Novel:

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The sweat burned my eyes. Blinking hard I tried to focus. I needed to focus. Only a cold blooded creature could consider a castle full of lava as its home. My overalls felt like they weighed a ton. My movements were all in slow motion. Even my mustache was drenched through. As the heat pressed in from all sides I wanted to give up. From the glint in his red eyes I could tell that's what he was waiting for. If it was just me maybe it would have been O.K. to just curl up and die, but she was counting on me, her and the entire Mushroom Kingdom. If he had laid one hand upon her soft flaxen hair so help me I would...

Damn. I had let my mind wander and he had seen it. A toothy grin spread across Bowser's face as he exhaled. The flaming expulsion from his bowels hurled towards me. He was gloating already that bastard. This was my chance. I summoned all the strength I had left and blindly leapt forward. With my eyes squeezed shut, I felt the intense heat of the fireball pass beneath my feet. I just might do it. I forced my eyes open. Seeing that look on Bowser's face invigorated me more than a thousand cold showers. He knew that death had finally come for him. I started to descend. My thick steel toed boots made contact with the vile lizard's skull. My full weight slammed his head into the stonework bridge. With a sickening crunch it was over. Bowser was dead. There was no time to celebrate or to consider how I was going to wash the reptile brains from my overalls, a crack had formed where we had landed and it was starting to splinter the walkway. I ran. The stones behind me fell away. I heard the sizzle from Bowser's corpse hitting the lava but I did not stop. I ran. I saw her face again. My princess. I jumped as the last piece of the bridge gave way.

My fingers clutched the shiny handle of an ax stuck into the ground at the edge of the precipice. My feet dangled over the remnants of the bridge sinking into the red hot lava. The sweat on my hands was already making my grip falter. I quickly pulled myself up. I pulled the ax out of its mount and carried it with me to the door that lay ahead. With one swing I splintered the lock and pushed the door open. I cool breeze escaped from the darkness with in the cell.

In the corner was a huddled mass. I approach delicately, becoming fully aware of my own stench and filth. I was just an plumber from Brooklyn. How could I even think she could love me? But no, the dirt that stained my clothes, that was from battling the tyrants that had enslaved her people. I reeked of a man fighting to free the woman he loved. She would understand. She always did. Just to touch that hair again. I reach forward. "Princess?" The figure gazed up at me with a thankful but saddened look. "Thank you Mario. But our princess is in another castle!"

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Monday, April 14, 2008

Last Minute Tax Tips

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If you’re listing a child as a deduction, consider filling out the forms in crayon so you know you mean business. Or let children fill out their own forms and include them with your taxes. The IRS will appreciate your child’s artwork and will put in on the refrigerator of the Federal Reserve.

Asking what something costs means you probably can’t afford it so if you’ve had a good year, consider sending a blank check to the government and letting them fill in the amount for themselves. If times are tight, skip taxes this year and buy two of them next year.

For those unable to claim deductions, consider claiming inductions, conductions, and reductions.

If you think your tax burden is unfair, stop complaining and go make your own damn country with John Adams.

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Friday, April 11, 2008

Is Anyone Else Just Pretending to Like Dune?

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I felt really bad about not having read Dune until late in my Sci-Fi career. Everyone I talked to about Sci-Fi acted like Dune was Christ on wheels. It won the Hugo and the Nebula awards and had all those sequels. I mean Dune had to be good right? Right?!

No, not really.

I don’t think I’m the only one who is mystified by Dune’s appeal. I asked my roommate about it. “Dune, isn’t that the one where they drink their pee?” Yes… yes it is. The whole time I was reading it I just couldn’t stop thinking about how terrible the inside of those Stillsuits must smell. I mean, just imagine, water is so scarce that you wear a suit specifically designed to recapture every iota of water that your body exudes, filter it, and pump it back up into your mouth with a hose. And you’re telling me it won’t stink like the back of a fat guy’s knee? You’re supposed to wear this thing until you die right? It’s hard for me to sympathize with a hero who I imagine smells like the inside of a rented wetsuit, and then drinks that sweat. Gug, do they even bother to cool it down, or do they just drink it warm? I’m literally gagging as I type this.

Oh, and spoiler alert. The reason there is so little water? It’s toxic to the Sandworms. What? The water is Toxic? How can water be toxic, it’s water?! Your one chance to do some actual writing about science in the whole novel and you blew it Frank Herbert. You blew it.

Now I know that it’s over 4 decades old, but I still find it a little offensive that the powerful Bene Gesserit witch women positively cream themselves at the thought of bringing a male into their order. “Oh if only a man could learn our ways he would truly be the Messiah!”*

Stay tuned for my reviews of all the sequels!

*Not a real quote.

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Big Shots

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There is no denying it, FunBox is becoming a big deal. So big in fact that we have to start considering that very important question. Who will play us in the FunBox motion picture the most certainly chronicle our rise to stardom, tragic but inevitable fall, our even more inevitable return to stardom, and our struggles as we took the system head on and won, changing the world forever one heart at a time.

So start debating. Who should play Matt, Paul, and Will in the FunBox movie?

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Monday, April 7, 2008

Sad Milk

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This weekend, I saw an orange juice carton which proclaimed: "Now with more calcium than milk!" Does Milk know about this? I though that Milk just was calcium. That's like it's biggest thing!

So I've spent the morning worrying about milk getting fired.
"I"m sorry Milk we're letting you go."
"I'll take a two percent pay cut! I'll work for skim!"
"No Milk. I'm afraid things have gone sour."

Sigh, poor ol Milk.

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Friday, April 4, 2008

HellDeath: Return to Gun Island 3

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Welcome to the third Installment of Helldeath return to Gun Island.

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Live to Regret ep. 6

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