Friday, May 30, 2008

Conversations at Home that Were Accidental Haikus

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April 17th Hummingbird sighting:

Look a Hummingbird!
…Aww you missed it. It was great.
It’s back! Right there! Look!

Conversation about milk:

“Are we out of milk?”
“Um, I just bought some last week.”
“I think we’re out.”

How can you not know?
We’re either not out of milk
or we’re out of milk.

The Tao of DK:

In Mario Cart
I always pick Donkey Kong
No one else likes him.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

A Drive in the Country

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“Well Ma, what do you say to a nice drive in the country?”

“I don’t feel much like it Pa.

“Aw come on Ma, it’s a beautiful day. The sun is sunning and there t’aint a cloud in the whole gosh gum sky.”

“It is nice out Pa. But I just don’t think I can… not after what happened.”

“I told you Ma. That was a mistake. We all make mistakes. Why just last week you put three sugars in my coffee instead of two. I forgave you.

“That’s not the same thing as killing a man Pa.

“Now Ma, we don’t know that he’s dead. He was still moving when we left. It was his own fault really if you think about it some. Standing so close to the road. It was a wonder that he hadn’t been hit by ten or so cars by then.”

“I can still see his face. It haunts me.”

“We probably did him a favor. Why no man out in the country alone like that could be up to any good. Why I’m sure if we hadn’t hit him, he would have asked to. When you think about it like that, it’s practically neighborly. Plus, if you picture the whole thing with a funny jig playing, and a slide whistle sliding, I’ll bet you won’t be able to stop yourself from smiling.”

“I still think we should tell someone Pa. What if he had a family. I bet they’re mighty worried.”

“Now why would you say something like that Ma. There’s no reason to go and start talking crazy like.”

“What are you doing with that wrench Pa?”

“You’re not making any sense Ma. You need to calm down some. Let Pa make things all better.”

Pa. Please Pa. No! I won’t tell. I won’t tell Pa. Please.”

“You’ll be a good girl Ma?”

“I’ll be good. Please. I’ll be good.”

“All right Ma, forget about the country. What do you say to getting a big scoop of ice cream down at the drug store?”

Gentle Sobs

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

NASCAR Vows to Support Nation’s Troops by Continuing to Burn World’s Fuel Resources

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DAYTONA BEACH, FL -- Despite rising fuel costs, and concerns surrounding fossil fuel shortages, NASCAR assured fans this week, that the organization will continue depleting international fuel reserves. “With the world’s resources becoming more and more and scarce, we think it’s important to use them as quickly as possible before they go away,” said NASCAR spokesman Jim Hunter. “A lot of American troops are our fans. We owe it to them to quickly burn what they’re fighting for.”

Sergeant, Tom Degrassi, is among the thankful fans. “I’ve lost several men in firefights, and each time I’ve wondered: will the heavy, heavy mortal price we’ve paid taking these strategic locations ultimately keep secure enough resources for New Zealander Scott Dixon to win the Indianapolis 500? Fortunately, this year, the answer was yes.”

In hopes of continuing its trend of consuming precious commodities, NASCAR is looking at ways for its vehicles to also evaporate drinking water. “We feel the next big wars will be fought over potable resources, and they’ll be another great way for fans to participate,” Hunter said. “We’re the only sport that really gives supporters something to fight for.”

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Friday, May 23, 2008

Man Gives Winning NBA Draft Lottery Ticket to Waitress

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Talk about generous tippers! When Steve Schanwald, the Chicago Bulls' executive vice president of business operations who represented the team at the 2008 NBA Draft Lottery, scored the first overall pick to this year’s entry draft, so did Debra Rabbing a Secaucus, New Jersey waitress who sold him eggs that morning.

“When he came in for breakfast, he was pretty down,” said Rabbing. “I told him his Bulls still had a 1.7% chance at winning and maybe he should just be more hopeful. Then he rolled his eyes, and mumbled something about giving me the pick if he won because he didn’t have cash for a tip. When I found out I won I was so excited I called him immediately!”

Schanwald seemed less enthusiastic. “I made a joke. What the fuck? What the fuck is she going to do with a basketball draft pick?”

Rabbing says she’s carefully considering her selection and has narrowed the field to either Kansas State Forward Michael Beasley or Derrick Rose, a point guard from Memphis. “As a single mother, I think either one of them would be very helpful with my kids and around the house. They’re both fine young men.”

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Full House: The Motion Picture

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The well of new and fresh ideas has dried up long ago, or at least it has if you are a film producer. With more and more small screen classics making the jump to the big screen (Sex in the City, Fraggle Rock, Speed Racer, The A-Team) Funbox would like to present its contribution to this trend –

Full House: The Motion Picture

Daniel Tanner had it all; A loving wife, three beautiful daughters, and he was about to crack the biggest scandal of his reporting career. But exposing the truth comes with a price, and now the mayor and the Triad gangsters who fund his corruption are out to take Daniel and his family down before his story can see the light of day. When Daniel comes home to find his wife murdered and his three daughters kidnapped, the cops turn a blind eye and Daniel has no choice but to turn to his drug addled wannabe rock star brother-in-law Jesse for help. Meanwhile, the three Tanner girls, D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle, desperately try to escape the Triads with the help of the hilarious taxi driver, “Uncle Joey” who finds himself caught up in the middle of a harrowing adventure that none of them will ever forget.

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Monday, May 19, 2008

Mega Man Box Art

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How much does Mega Man look like a Dad in this picture?

What I love best about the Mega Man box art is how unlike Mega Man, Mega Man is for at least 3 of the titles. They’re still trying to pass the game off as if it’s an awesome Tron-like world Where Mega Man is a slightly pudgy dude with a gun. Look how seriously he’s taking this! We’re not even going to talk about the cover for Mega Man 1.


Don't get me wrong though, these games were sweet, I don’t care what other people say I was totally unphased by the robot made out of a log called ‘Wood Man.’ Leaf shield was awesome and besides it’s no weirder than a robot based on wind.

Yes we know that in the Japanese versions he’s sometimes called Rockman, and we know that this is just the North American art, please don’t try to out-nerd us.

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Friday, May 16, 2008

Things Overheard at a Student Art Show

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All of the following are real conversations faithfully transcribed.

Please to enjoy:


Guy with a Fauxhawk: Next time though, I really want to make it more shocking.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: Well we could always do "Stomach."

Guy with an ironic shirt: What's 'Stomach?'

Guy with a Fauxhawk: That's the one where we use that cement tubing, paint it pink, drill holes in it and lead everyone into a central chamber. And wait until someone realizes that it's a model of a human stomach. As soon as someone says the word 'stomach' we spray water through the holes at them.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: With acid.

Guy with a Fauxhawk: Yeah there's a lot of acid in the water.

Guy with an ironic shirt: And then what happens?

Guy with a Fauxhawk: We go to jail probably.

Girl with a lot of tattoos: It's part of the piece.

Guy with an ionic shirt: I love it.

You've never heard of The Cremaster Cycle?

Boyfriend: This one reminds me of The Cremaster Cycle.

Way cute Girlfriend: Hmm?

Other Girl: I know right? Its like, 'Ok, we get it, you like Matthew Barney.'

Boyfriend: Ha ha. I saw a huge exhibit on that at the Guggenheim actually. It was pretty great. I didn't know it was about testicles though, until I'd been there for about an hour and a half.

Other Girl: Ha ha! It's all about balls dude!

Way cute Girlfriend: What are you guys talking about?

Other Girl: Did you know he's like practically married to Bjork?

Boyfriend: I thought they just lived together.

Other girl: They have a kid I think.

Way cute Girlfriend: Wait, go back, what is this?

Boyfriend: I'm breaking up with you.

An 'A' For Effort

Probably a Teacher: It's too bad we weren't able to get it to spin.

Female Student: I'm surprised how many people were upset by it. It's totally tongue in cheek.

Probably a Teacher: Controversy is good. Controversy sells.

Female student: I guess…Have you ever seen Deepthroat?

Probably a Teacher: You don't want to call something 'beauty, that's a 4 letter word around here- The Watergate thing or the porno?

Female student: Either.

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Wednesday, May 14, 2008

What this Summer's Blockbusters can Teach us About Ourselves -

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Iron Man

Plot: While in captivity, industrialist Tony Stark (Downey) creates a high-tech suit of armor which he first uses to fight his way to freedom, and then to prevent a dark-minded scientific genius from carrying out his nefarious plot against humankind.

Meaning: The amour represents man’s desire to keep a distance from his fellow man, while Robert Downey Jr. represents man’s desire for men.

Made of Honor

Plot: Tom (Dempsey) is a consummate ladies' man. Hannah (Monaghan) is his best friend and the one constant in his life. But when Hannah leaves town for a six-week business trip, allowing Tom to realize his love for her runs deeper than he ever knew, how does he deal with conveying his feelings -- especially when she returns with an engagement ring on her finger, and a request for him to be in her wedding?

Meaning: With the modern world’s gender roles continuing to blur as we progress in this technological age, this film address the brand new issue of can men and woman just be friends? In the end, they prove that men and women must bone if they want to talk to each other.

What Happens in Vegas…

Plot: Joy (Diaz) and Jack (Kutcher) meet while on a Las Vegas bender, where their drunken nuptials are only part of a larger problem: What to do when Jack wins $3 million with Joy's quarter, and they are forced to spend six months as wife and husband if they are to see a penny of their winnings.

Meaning: Greed should never supplant the needs of the ones emotional self. Material goods can not provide the happiness that forced marriage can.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Plot: The Pevensie children return to Narnia one year after their first adventure in the magical land. Soon after entering the kingdom, however, they learn that 1,000 years has passed here, and all is not well since an evil king ascended to the throne. The children and allies both, old and new, band together to help restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, Prince Caspian (Barnes).

Meaning: Imagination and the willingness to hope are often seen as childish, but it is these qualities that allow children to overcome diverse obsticales. As adults we too could do with a dose of optimism in the face of adversity. Also, Jesus is a lion.

Indian Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Plot: Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones (Ford) is called back into action to stop a Soviet plot to uncover and use ancient artifacts in order to take over the world.

Meaning: Hiding the past away will not help us have a secure future. We must uncover our own personal “relics” and gain control over what curses they might have imposed upon our lives. Only then will we have the strength to punch our own personal “Soviet Spies” in the face.

Sex and the City

Plot: Set four years after we last saw the ladies, Carrie (Parker), Samantha (Cattrall), Miranda (Nixon), and Charlotte (Davis) negotiate their friendships, romances, and careers in New York City. At the center of it all is Carrie's pending nuptials to Mr. Big (Noth).

Meaning: Ask your girlfriend. She’ll explain it to you.

The Incredible Hulk

Plot: Geneticist Bruce Banner (Norton) takes flight in order to understand -- and hopefully cure -- that the condition that turns him into a monster. Complicating his situation is the military initiative that wants him captured and controlled, as well as the arrival of a more-deadly nemesis: The Abomination.

Meaning: Life deserves second chances. Sure something may have caused you pain in the past, but that’s no reason not to try again. I mean, it might be good this time. Right?

The Love Guru

Plot: Pitka (Meyers) an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player (Malco) whose wife left him for a rival lover (Timberlake) before the NHL Stanley Cup.

Meaning: The same meaning as Austin Powers.

The Dark Knight

Plot: The Caped Crusader (Bale) teams ups with Gotham's Lieutenant Jim Gordon (Oldman) and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Eckhart) to take on the city's newest villain -- The Joker (Ledger).

Meaning: Escalations of conflict only causes more conflict. The only true way to end a fight is to kill someone (or the person who plays them).

Journey to the Center of the Earth 3D

Plot: A geologist (Fraser) on a special mission with his son (Hutcherson) discovers the entrance into a previously unseen world.

Meaning: See you are the Earth, and sometimes you need to journey to the center of yourself. You are also probably full of dinosaurs. The 3-D represents your mother’s love.

* Movie summaries from

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Greatest Villain Baseball Cards of All Time

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1987 Topps Ivan Drago - In 1987, Topps paid tribute to the greatest boxing villain of all time by releasing a special edition card found one in every 36 packs. Drago, now retired after his defeat at the hands of Rocky Balboa (who single-handedly crushed communism in the process), was set to sign a limited run of of the cards, but plans were scuttled after protests from Apollo Creed's estate.

1977 Topps Gay Darth Vader - Not as popular with their young male audience as Topps hoped, the card nevertheless marked a seminal moment in the company's history as it was the first all glossy release of a regular series card.

1972 Topps Squirrelator - Squirrelator is more powerful than all the birds in the woods. He will steal your nuts!

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Friday, May 9, 2008

Your Boring, Boring, True Ghost Stories

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I don’t know about you but I’m always bored by ‘true’ ghost stories, they never end the way they should. It’s never “Suddenly the house started shaking, there was this terrible screaming noise, and BLOOD started pouring forth from the walls!”

No it’s never like that. It’s always “I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and when I looked… There was nothing there!” Really?! I saw nothing in my apartment the other day! It’s coming for me now!

I guess part of my problem is that when people tell their particular ghost story ‘that really happened to them’ (or their cousin) the story seems to be full of phrases like “and then I was really scared.” Dude, you’re supposed to be scaring me, not talking about what a sissy you are! Unless the person telling the story winds up being a ghost themselves, and them telling me the ghost story is, in fact, a ghost story in itself, I tend to be unimpressed.

And is it just me or do the Ghosts always do lame things? “And none of us remembered moving that spoon there.” Ghosts, can you please just murder someone for once? Or at least, like, grab a boob! I remember when I was visiting a friend at NYU there was a story going around about a ghost that moved a poster from one side of a room to another. Although if I was a poltergeist that was stuck in a dorm room for all eternity I bet I’d get pretty sick of the same picture of Jimmy Hendrix being posted up every semester too.

I’m also incredibly bored by the ‘little English girl wearing a nighty’ Ghost. How many times have we seen this girl in movies? Let’s not forget these classic lines “Are you mad I am you’re daughter!” “You’re all going to die down here” and “I’m the reaping!” she’s almost as bad as the ‘I look like I did when I was murdered’ ghost. I know you were murdered and everything, but would it kill you to change your shirt?

Maybe you have a ghost story that isn’t lame. If so, please share. Feel free to embellish and exaggerate as much as possible, points for originality.

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Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Video Game Product Tie Ins

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Grand Theft Auto IV has set media records for selling $500 million dollars worth of games in just one week. With video games at the top of the entertainment heap it will only be a matter of time before we seem them widening their net into other products. (Remember Mountain Dew's Halo 3 drink. That shit made playing Halo 3 awesome!) Here are some items we are likely to see in the near future.

Grand Theft Auto Inurance - Sometimes people need to shoot hookers for the mob, and sometimes they need to do it fast. No big surprise that cars get stolen. When they do you're going to be glad you have Grand Theft Auto Insurance.

Devil May Cry Facial Tissue - Sure Devils may cry, but you're a human and you will cry! It's a fact of life. When it happens why not use a tissue soft enough to handle Dante's demon tears?

Metal Gear Solid Deodorant - Sneaking up and murdering people can be a tough job that makes you work up a sweat. If you're not going to let them hear you coming, make sure you don't let them smell you coming.

Call of Duty Toilet Paper - When Duty calls.

Super Moreo Cookies - See because, Mario is a slant rhyme with Oreo and slant rhymes are marketing and comedy gold... Alright you think you're so smart? Why don't you try thinking up a couple!

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Monday, May 5, 2008

Ask Megatron II

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Megatron, is the star of the blockbuster film "Transformers," and leader of the Decepticons. He is also a giant robot from another planet who can change himself into a gun.

Dear Megatron,
I recently broke up with Kevin, my boyfriend, after I learned he was cheating on me. We work together, and when his new girl visits, he seems to enjoy the fact that I’m completely devastated. What should I do?

AlicePasadena, CA

You need to stand up for yourself. I know it’s hard to cope with the fact that you once trusted him, but sometimes even the wisest of man or machine can make an error. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Adopt a healthy mental state and realize that conquest is made of the ashes of one’s enemies. One day you’ll use his blood to water the fields of your victory.

Hi Megatron,
My boyfriend of 3 months has a hugely stressful management position in a well known company. His mother was recently informed she has a few months to live, and he is going through a messy divorce. I know all these things are important, but I’m staring to feel like I’m not a priority in his life. Any thoughts?

Sarah - Wells Creek, Idaho

You need to remind your boyfriend that everything dies: whether it is a career, a marriage, or a mother. Tell him you’re sick of his endless quest for power, especially at the cost of your own. If he’s reasonable, he’ll get it.

Dear Megatron,
As a child, I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. I’ve always known that my wife had multiple partners in her past, but lately I’ve begun to question her about this. I'm not sure what I'm looking to gain by asking her about this. I just know that it hurts, and the situation is a strain on our marriage. Please help.

Jason – Orange Falls, Wisconsin

These questions show that it is not courage, but fear that compels you. Don’t feel threatened by your wife’s past, for you’ve already crushed it with your bare hands. It is dead. Don’t let your marriage die with it!

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Friday, May 2, 2008

Online Dating Tips

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Nowadays, thanks to the internet, it’s easier than ever to date. Gone are the days of only meeting people in your immediate circle of friends and the grotesque spectacle of nightclubs and bars, you may now specify your ideal mate and search through thousands of people that might be looking for you. Here are some tips to maximize your experience.

1: Be sure to know as much as possible about your astrological ‘sign
Know what kinds of other signs work with yours and what kinds don’t. It is of the utmost importance that you arbitrarily narrow the playing field. While on a date be sure to mention how compatible your 2 signs are, and say things like, “It’s so like a Taurus to not believe in astrology.” Many websites will not even allow you to leave this section blank, so it’s best to be on board; recognizing this as an outdated superstition will only hurt your chances.

2: Only use extreme close-ups or photoshopped images
Appearance is important so it’s best if you try to hide yours, after all if you were attractive you wouldn’t be on a dating website. Another good strategy is to use a picture that is wildly out of date or that has multiple people in it. Are you the hot guy in a tight shirt catching the Frizbee or the troll who is throwing it? Women should also use pictures of themselves with former boyfriends (it shows you can be in a relationship).

3: Mention how you “Hate Games”
Ladies, don’t you hate games? Tell people how much you hate games so they will know how much you hate games.

4: It doesn’t have to be about dating
A lot of women go on dating websites just to meet friends, but don’t spoil a perfectly good evening by mentioning this to your date. Wait until the night is over then, as he leans in to kiss you, mention that you “have a boyfriend.”

5: Meet in a safe place
Like your/their apartment.

Good Luck!

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