Monday, October 6, 2008

Romantic gift dilemmas

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This weekend, I was all set to buy my girlfriend a romantic gift but had trouble deciding. She loves chocolates, but then it occurred to me that it's a very fatty desert, and would only contribute to her chances of dying of heart disease. The roses seemed just as bad when I realized it was pretty much saying "hey look, you're special enough that I ripped something delicate from the ground. Hang on to it till it dies much sooner than it would have otherwise."
Jewelry would have been an option but "oh yeah: Blood Diamond."

Apparently, the fastest way to romance is to give a gift that involves destroying something beautiful. If we're killing things for love, why don't we just give our significant others those big mounted moose heads? Or hand 'em a baby that we poached by knocking it off with a bottle of ether? It's like what kind of miracle can I kill to show my girlfriend I care? "Hey hun, I love you here's unicorn blood, you want me to put it over your door or what?"

Call me a romantic, but next Valentine's day I'm planning to light a bald eagle's nest on fire, and when we get married I'm destroying an entire civilization's library of poetry.

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