Things I learned this weekend while working the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards

*If your girlfriend wants to convince you never to have kids she would do well to help you land a job working the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

*Wrestler John Cena looks like a brick with arms and legs. He will also claim to watch SpongBob if it will help his fledgling movie career.

*Most of film making involves listening to people on walkie talkies asking "what's your twenty?" and carrying heavy things to be used block off seemingly random locations on set.

*Slime is best cleaned with washable children's diapers. It also kind of smells green.

*People who work on movie sets have more tattoos than pirates.

*Pirates would be good film makers because they can carry heavy things.

Screw You Guys! Pluto Ain’t a Planet!

My Favorite is Orcus!

Whenever I hear lay people talk about Pluto I always hear things like. “That’s messed up about Pluto right?” and “I think it’s Bullshit what happened to Pluto” or “Pluto is a planet ’cause that’s what I learned in school.” This is usually followed by cheers.

Why are you cheering! Which of these groups do you think is better equipped to decide what counts as a planet? A collection of professional astronomers known as the International Astronomical Union, or angry people who don’t want to learn a new mnemonic device!

“My very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.” All you have to do is stop before Pizzas!

If Pluto is a planet then so is Ceres. What’s Ceris you ask? Oh just a small spherical body orbiting the sun between Mars and Jupiter. Also we should include, Eris which is bigger than Pluto, Haumea, and Makemake, and we should include all the other “Plutiods” like Orcus, Quaoar, and Ixion.

I don’t know about you, but my mnemonic device, for remembering all the planets has become no longer useful. But in case you're wondering here’s what I’ve come up with:

“My Very Educated Mother Carefully Judged Some Useless Planets to be Hopelessly Makeshift dEsegnations.”

I know it’s not great, and I haven’t even included the Plutiods yet.

Tony Sam, Betrothals, and Papples

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Food is Weird

I mentioned eating cow tongue to an associate the other day, and they commented "That's weird." I struck back with, "Eating food is weird."

If the concept of devouring the parts and flesh of other organisms, be they living or dead, to sustain your own life doesn't creep you out a little, then...

I don't know what, but the point is, it's creepy.

There are food shows based on hosts or contestants eating the bizarre and unusual (Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmerman being my fav). One week it cow's testicles, the next week its fermented sea sponges. But at its root is that any more crazy than devouring unripened chicken fetuses with a side of ground up toasted grass that has been fed to a bacteria, aged, and then baked? And that's just eggs and toast.

I think once you make peace with the idea of devouring things, the specifics of what you are eating don't matter so much.

Then again, I do get my nutrients from an IV full of chemicals.

My Magical Dream

A lot of people think my dream is to be a famous comedian. It's not.

My dream is to bring an orphan kid to a magic show and in the middle of the show he'd stand up and yell: "If you're so magic bring back my dad!"

"Hey David Blane, why don't you use your powers for something useful like giving me a family?"

"Holding your breath for five minutes isn't magic. It's just a temper tantrum."

Sexy Holidays

Near my apartment there is a 24 hour sex store. They have a large display window that they use to show off their erotic wares. Around Christmas time they had a mannequin in a sexy little Ms. Claus outfit. The dude mannequin had his package wrapped in a package. There was snow everywhere. It was a regular winter wonderland. Around Valentines day, every thing was red satin and hearts. A perfect romantic night for two.

A couple weeks ago I was driving past and I found myself surprised by what I saw in their new window display. Shamrocks and clovers, and a sexy Leperchaun. Maybe this is a default of my own, but I just would never have thought to make St. Patricks day an erotic holdiay. I just don't see a holiday based around drinking alot and tiny little men with beards being an inspiration for lingerie purchases. Mardi Gras was going on, why not a girl with beads? Why not a woman being late for work so all she could put on was her corset to honor daylight savings day?

Am I alone on this? Do you guys think leperchauns can be sexy?

Prime Time Twister

The world of prime time television game shows is about to be rocked. I had the greatest idea ever.

PRIME TIME TWISTER!



You get ten strangers and you make them play Twister. Of course they would all have engrossing back stories.

"Meet Tim Parthon. He carves boats out of recycled materials and gives them to kids with cancer."

"This is Jenny Henderson. She has tasted over 100 different kinds of potato chips! When shes not busy reading, she helps kids with cancer."

"Say hi to Mercedes Carson. Mercedes lost her home in a hurricane and hopes to use the winnings of the show to help kids with cancer."

And then they would, you know, twister. Right Blue. Left Hand Green. All that stuff.

The twister board would be all digital with light up pads and complicated sensors that will sound if anyone touches illegally.

Their could even be the "Twister Titans." A group of perfessional gymnasts and circus performers with names like Bendorina and Twistor who would compete in the final ultimate twister round.

oh man. Twister!

Watchman!

Oooh when is that DVD coming out?!

I’m of two minds about the film. On one hand there is the fanboy part of me that was upset over how Alan Moore was treated in V for Vendetta and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (or as I like to call it Shitstorm 3: Ruining more things you love!). That part was happy at how faithful the movie was.

But there is also another part of me that is so sick of how every comic book movie apparently has to talk about modern politics and issues. Ozymandius uses the smoke screen of “clean renewable energy.”

Part of me was heartbeat for heartbeat onboard with every moment. But part of me wondered what the point is of just making a shot for shot remake of the comic. But another part was always annoyed whenever there was a departure.

Anyway, the squid alien is gone. Oh and Spoiler alert.

Actually, you have no right to be upset about the above spoilers. If you haven’t seen Watchmen already, you are either lame and didn’t see it opening night @ the 12:01 show, or are boycotting it (in which case you won’t mind spoilers).

I’m sleepy!

Seeing Double

Now this may feel more like an Interwhat, but I feel that this needed additional explaining. A friend of mine was discussing her upcoming trip to Disneyland with me, and I started joshing her that she was just going to collect more pins for her sash. She stared at me blankly.

Maybe I am just a little more on the pulse of things than most people, but I thought everyone knew about Disney pin collecting. People roam Disney parks with lanyards, sashes, or jackets covered in Disney themed pins. Apparently, people go to the parks, and if you see people working there wearing pins, you can trade with them. See? You guys knew about this right?

Anyway, I went to the Disney Pin website to show her what I was talking about when I came across this horrific vision -



We've all noticed that, hey, Mickey is a mouse yet he doesn't look like a mouse, but there is just something wrong and unnatural about seeing the two together like this. Its like Disney is trying to be hip by pointing out oddities in their own universe. They shouldn't be doing this. It's like noting that Donald Duck doesn't wear pants, and then having him stand next to a version of himself with a huge penis showing.

This brings us to the Pluto pin -



What the hell is he doing under there? Shouldn't Goofy by on there too, looking as confused as I am?

I'm just waiting for when they make the Ursala sitting next to half a woman sewn onto an octopus pin.

Why I'm Looking Forward to the Rapture

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the Rapture, a prophesied Christian event, in which true believers are suddenly whisked away from the Earth and into to Heaven. Now I don't have faith in many things, but one thing I do believe in strongly is that television will probably get a lot better after that happens. Once all those people are gone, we'll be able to swear, depict human sexuality in a realistic manner, and maybe even get "Two and a Half Men," off the air.

It'll also be awesome when all those people get raptured, because their jobs will be "left behind!" I really hope the Rapture happens soon. I want to have health care again.