Wednesday, January 14, 2009

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When I was in grade school we had an assignment to write to a corporation. My older cousin had just informed me how Proctor and Gamble test their products on animals. Prompted by my blank stares she further explained that testing on animals was wrong. This assignment would be my chance to explain to those evil guys at Proctor and Gamble that they should change their ways. I furiously scribbled out:

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

You should stop testing on animals. Testing on animals is wrong and hurts the animals. There are other ways to test your products. If you do not stop I will not buy your stuff anymore.

The Younger and Very Serious Me

With pride in my heart and spit on my tongue I licked the stamp and sent the correspondence on its way. My pride quickly dissipated two weeks later when we got our responses.

I recieved from Proctor and Gamble a huge packet containing facts about their testing and how they do not test on animals. This might seem fine until you look at what the kids around me got. Coupons for free shit! It turns out everyone else had written letters like this:

Dear McDonalds,

Your hamburgers taste awesome.

Idiot Children

And for their troubles they received coupons for free burgers, drinks, back rubs, and larger free drinks.

I learned never to care about social issues again.

I also learned that if you write to food companies about anything they send you coupons. Man I love coupons.