Hell Death: Return to Gun Island - Scene 1.

INT. JOHN'S OFFICE DAY

John Enters and just stands there: Like a man! This is JOHN. John is an undercover private eye with a troubled past, he's also a master of Kung Fu! We CRASH ZOOM in on John's eyes as he scans the room and we see in his eyes how badass he is. He looks good at fighting. Behind him enters HOT GIRL. Hot girl is pretty, but trying not to be. She's also Hot!

HOT GIRL
I heard I could find you here.

JOHN
Where did you hear that?

HOT GIRL
Sources.

JOHN
Well, you heard right.

HOT GIRL
They said you were the best.

JOHN
They said right.

HOT GIRL
I need your help.

JOHN
I need your lips.

They start to Kung Fu fight with guns.

Opening credits appear on the bullets.

Outside a car explodes into the night.

Flu Season

It's flu season and we, like a lot of other people, struggle to stay healthy. If not for ourselves, then for our family and the homeless people who count on us at the shelter. Over the years we have picked up a few simple things that help ensure that we stay germ free:

1. Don’t open doors with your mouth. Normally when your hands are full the easiest way to open a door is to grip the handle with your mouth, but it’s a good idea to start getting in the habit of avoiding this with viruses being so widespread.

2. Know where your blood comes from. Sure, we all need more blood, and with gas prices shooting through the roof we may not be able to be as choosey as we would like to be with regards to where it comes from. But think how much more money it will cost you when you have to spend a couple work days home sick. An extra buck or two for that blood doesn’t seem so bad now does it?

3. Eat two different kinds of food a day. We all know the old adage starve a cold, overfeed a flu. We’ve found from personal experience though, that it is less about quantity and more about variety. This might seem to go against common sense, but give it a try. Instead of eating 5 bowls of Beef and Barely Soup tomorrow, try making the last bowl Clam Chowder. Your body will thank you, even though the clams won’t!

4. Replace handshakes with saluting. The reason America wins wars is because our soldiers stay so healthy. Take this trick from the pros and switch to saluting. This is also a great way to help you figure out which people consider you to be a higher rank then them.

5. Don’t go inside. Most winter time illness are caused by the increased amount of time people spend indoors. Buildings are the prime location for bacteria to start breeding. Its this reason that native Americans didn’t get sick until Europeans came and started building houses. Hence the term “Cabin Fever.”

These may take a little getting use to, but the results are a 100% guaranteed. If you do become ill following these steps, it is safe to assume that you are doing something wrong. Reread the list and try again.

Ask Megatron

Megatron, is the star of the recently released DVD "Transformers," and leader of the Decepticons. He is also a giant robot from another planet who can change himself into a gun.

Dear Megatron,
Why is it that I attract so many men who lie? I'm really a nice person, and I do so much for the men that I'm involved with. Why am I treated like this? It's really frustrating.

Jessica
Richmond, VA

Relationships can be tough. I can't even keep track of how many times I've heard ex's scream for mercy just before I've blasted them to atoms with my laser cannon. I see a lot of you in me, Jessica, in that we both seem to destroy everything we touch, but that's OK. You see, everything we touch feeds our hunger for power. In the end, we'll rule our relationships even if we're the only ones left in them.

Dear Megatron
This year, I didn't bring someone home for our family's Christmas dinner again *sigh* andsome of my cousins started this rumor that I might be a lesbian. I don't have a problem with gay people, but I'm not gay. I know it's not for a few months, but I can't bear to face another Christmas with them chiding me for being alone. What should I do?

Maria. Bixbey
Canton, OH

You know Maria, I'll be the first to admit that holidays can be hard. Last year, over at Starscream's we'd just opened presents, the Predicons had made some killer energon-nog, and I was in a really good mellow. Then Soundwave mentions how I never bring any Ladycons around and calls me a fag. You know what I said? I was like "woah dude, if I want to know what's on your mind, I'll splatter it on the wall and see for myself!" He sorta backed off from there. Next time the relatives start saying things that just aren't true, tell them to ease up, and remind them that one day you'll have your revenge.

Megatron,
I'm 14 years old, a little overweight, and I've never had a boyfriend. Instead, they always treat me as "one of the guys." I've always dressed girly and lately I've been trying to wear more makeup and stuff, but they still don't notice. I'm waiting for a boy to ask me out, but I'm worried they won't notice because I'm not as grown up looking as some of the other girls.

Katie
Lexington, KY

Hang in there Katie. I'm sure one day they'll realize you're not just "one of the guys," and until then don't force it. You might even want to go light on the makeup, let your true face show. If you're really concerned about your weight, I'd suggest just taking a healthy walk every so often, and wearing black, which has a slimming effect the boys will notice. Remember, the powers of darkness are greater than anything their pathetic minds can muster. Finally, don’t worry about not looking as grown up as some of the other girls. Your womanhood will fill out soon enough, and that tidal wave will devastate mankind across the face of the globe!

The Holiday Spirit

I just want to let all you guys know that I'm not going to try to keep the Holiday spirit all year round this year. And do you want to know why? Because I tried it last year and everyone made fun of me! "Nice Santa hat, weirdo!" in March, "Eew how old is this?" when I offer candy canes in September.

Sure we're all on board to "keep the Christmas spirit all year round" when it's December 23rd but when I come to your apartment complex caroling in June, all of a sudden I'm breaking and entering.

And don't give me that crap about "We meant try to keep the spirit of generosity all year round." That's not the holiday spirit, that's called "being nice."

I'm so sick of egg nog.

Live to Regret ep. 3

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The Checkpoint

Letting out a soft grunt while straining to lift a jar of pickles nearly half again my size, I remembered to bend my knees to protect my back. I hate giant wholesale clubs. Store aisles shouldn’t be wider than the street I live on. Worse yet, it was construction day and a large part of the cereal section was now inaccessible. Grizzled highway workers shooed patrons to the side of several orange cones as a large asphalt machine rolled over a lone box of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. CRUNCH.

As much a hated the place, leaving was even worse. I paid for my items, and moved to the store’s exterior doors. Feeling once again as if I were about to sneak across a former Soviet state’s boarder, I prepared to flash my photo ID. Tall fences and barbed wired forced shoppers to funnel through a single checkpoint area, and a fascist-looking guard wearing a neatly pressed store uniform and brandishing a TASER, paused each would be exit-er to check identification. I suspected wives and children had been lost this way.

“Papers. Your papers please,” echoed the detached but authoritative voice. It was finally my turn for screening. “And what was your purpose for this trip?” the guard asked.

“Um...shopping?”

He looked skeptical. I wasn’t sure how could theft could have been a problem when everything available for purchase weighed upwards of 50lbs, but I wasn’t about to ask. The guard eyed me suspiciously as if all this store exiting were just part of an elaborate plot to spirit away pallets of deodorant via some sort of clandestine underground railroad.

“We're actually having a barbecue if that helps,” I offered. The guard seemed to consider this for a moment before finally easing up and moving his hand away from the TASER. I’d talked my way to freedom.

As I loaded the car of pickles onto the flat bed of my neighbor’s borrowed truck, I couldn’t help but emit a thoughtful sigh of relief. Well, maybe it was more of a grunt, I really don’t remember which. Either way, I was nearly halfway home before my pulse finally stabilized and a thought had finally occurred to me: shopping shouldn't need a cover story.

Homeopathy: The Wizard of Modern Medicine (because wizards aren't real)

The basic theory behind Homeopathy is the "law of similars." Cure a disease with something that causes the same symptoms. Got a rash? Apply poison ivy! Got nervous energy? Tarantula venom will fix that right up! Vomiting? Try Arsenic!

Along the way someone realized that it would probably be a good idea to not give quite so much poison to sick people, and modern Homeopathy was born!

Nowadays people dilute the poisons down to such a fine degree that it's mathematically unlikely that even a molecule of the original poison remains in the solution. Then they pour the solution onto a sugar pill and administer that to the patient who miraculously gets well! Or not so miraculously, depending on whether or not you believe that sick people tend to eventually get better over time.

I was surprised when my father (who suffers from a chronic illness) told me that he was going to try Homeopathy. "Dad you know that it doesn't do anything!" "Well yes son, that's true. But I've run out of options." This particular line of reasoning strikes me as odd."The car's broken down and we tried jumping it, I guess since that didn't work I'll jam my dick in the gas tank."

Sigh. When are people going to wake up and realize that all the medicine they need can be found through healing crystals and prayer?

Maybe you disagree. If so please respond with anecdotal evidence or vitriol.

Out of the Chalk of Babes

On a recent trip to the Science Museum, I happened upon a children’s section where they had set up a series of small chalkboards. Children were supposed to write what kind of museum they would like to make when they grew up.

The chalk boards had been set up behind glass so no one could actually write anything new, which to my mind kind of defeated the purpose of chalkboards. It also struck me as odd that some teacher thought that elementary-school students at a science museum would rather learn about museum curator-ship than, say, science. The children’s suggestions for what kinds of museums they wanted all had the kind of naive, deliberate cuteness that, though charming in Welch's grape juice commercials, can be nauseating in large doses. “A MUSEUM OF ORANGE THINGS!” in all caps was next to “i would like to see a kitten museum” written in careful, ‘I’m learning cursive’ style cursive.

Then I noticed that around the corner, blocked from view by a large magnet, some child had written in scraggily block letters, the words “Poop Fuck.” At first I thought it was simple vandalism, but then the genius juxtaposition of two such disparate curse words began to dawn on me, and I began to see what that child saw: The Museum of Poop Fuck, it was way better than that lame kitty Museum.

Big Black Friday

So today's blog will be a question posed to you, our loyal readers (funboxers?).

The economy has been going down the tubes, and I keep feeling like I'm being blamed for it. Namely in that I haven't been spending enough money. The news keeps telling me how this is going to be one of the worst holidays ever for retail stores and this is going to ruin the economy (further). That we as consumers need to get out there and spend money or else there won't be any money left to spend. I'm not sure how talking about how low consumer confidence is, is supposed to make consumers not feel even less confident (plus, it didn't help that I bought that segway scooter with a sub prime loan).

So my question to all of you is, are you going to spend less this holiday season because the dollar is worth nothing and gas prices are almost as expensive as bottled water, or will you spend more because its your duty?

Foreign readers please feel free to take this time to make fun of America.

I'm Sorry, But I Need a Vacation From My List of People to Destroy

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of problems with my list of people to destroy and I think it’s time to take a breather. Now before you protest, I already know what you’ll say: “whether slighted by a boss, jilted by a lover, or merely cut off in traffic, it’s just plain healthy to refrain from speaking, to compress all my negative emotions into a tiny ball of pure hatred, and let it fester: boiling in my stomach until it explodes in a vicious tidal wave of fury which obliterates all those who have fed it’s savage hunger.” And yeah, you may be right. The thing is though, life’s been giving me a lot of “list of people to destroy” lemons these days, and I’m having the darndest time making “list of people to destroy" lemonade.

Yesterday was the last straw. I spent a good fourteen hours or so carving an enemy’s deepest secrets into living rock only to finally realize I’d typoed (or I guess carve-od) his name. I’m sitting there going: “Crap, I don’t have time to buff this out,” and I realized my only choice was to chip the word “oops” below my mistake and hope nobody’s offended. I’ve been stressed about it ever since.

I’ve been making lots of mistakes like this lately, and I think they stem from having too many elaborate Machiavellian schemes going on at the same time. To put it bluntly, it's hard keeping track of the destruction of this many people and the work is suffering because of it. Ever set in motion an elaborate scheme to humiliate someone’s “one true love,” and then become so distracted with other ploys, that upon your return you realize they’ve already broken up like a week ago? Well this guy has! The only thing worse is concocting multiple clever ways to blast scores of enemies into the flaming pits of darkness and then to find they’ve all died of natural causes. Crap I’m getting frustrated!

So that’s why I’m making this official announcement to all my friends and enemies. I’ve decided to kick back and go on a of “list of people to destroy” sabbatical for a while. I really need some “me” time, and when it comes down to it, there are lots of places and things I’d like to destroy as well. Don’t worry, though. I’m sure I’ll be back soon to destroy every last one of you. In the meantime, I wish you all well. If you could do me just one favor: please don’t break up or go off dying on me.

Live to Regret ep. 02

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Hollywood Writers’ Strike Replacement Shows

Pimp My Grandfather
Guests trick out old broken-down family members using the latest, most high end medical procedures including: heart valve replacements, blood transfusions, skin grafts, and whatever it was that made Barry Bonds hit all those home runs. Then they're taken to L.A.'s hottest clubs to see who truly is the most pimp grandfather of all.

Death Factor
Contestants who agree to be shot receive a small financial incentive.

Trading Spaces Al Anbar Province
Insurgents and US military forces swap roles for a day, and redecorate each other's bases of operations in an effort to better understand of each other's lifestyles. Instead though, they mostly plant bombs to kill each other for laters.

Feed CC202A
Security camera monitoring the Ralph's parking lot located on 260 South La Brea Avenue.

New Episodes of Mind of Mencia
Despite the strike, Carlos will still be able to continue stealing material from everyone who performs at The Comedy Store.

Botulism Island
Volunteers are marooned on an island where their only resource is dented cans.

NFeLephant
Documentary chronicling one pachyderm's dream to play starting linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. Bobo's followed the sport since being a wee child (weighing just over 400lbs), and vows he'd play the game for peanuts.

Single Family Double Dare
Children without fathers or mothers compete win bicycles, gaming systems, and the love of Marc Summers.

Women in Bikinis Watch Reruns of Cheers: The Show
Expected to be a ratings home run and a major reason why studios will refrain from pursuing good faith negotiations with the writers.

Hollywood Writers’ Strike Replacement Shows

Pimp My Grandfather
Guests trick out old broken-down family members using the latest, most high end medical procedures including: heart valve replacements, blood transfusions, skin grafts, and whatever it was that made Barry Bonds hit all those home runs. Then they’re taken to L.A.’s hottest clubs to see who truly is the most pimp grandfather of all.

Death Factor
Contestants who agree to be shot receive a small financial incentive.

Trading Spaces Al Anbar Province
Insurgents and US military forces swap roles for a day, and redecorate each other’s bases of operations in an effort to better understand of each other’s lifestyles. Instead though, they mostly plant bombs to kill each other for laters.

Feed # CC202A
Security camera monitoring the Ralph’s parking lot located on 260 South La Brea Avenue.

New Episodes of Mind of Mencia
Despite the strike, Carlos will still be able to continue stealing material from everyone who performs at The Comedy Store.

Botulism Island
Volunteers are marooned on an island where their only resource is dented cans.

NFeLephant
Documentary chronicling one pachyderm’s dream to play starting linebacker for the Oakland Raiders. Bobo’s followed the sport since being a wee child (weighing just over 400lbs), and vows he’d play the game for peanuts.

Single Family Double Dare
Children without fathers or mothers compete win bicycles, gaming systems, and the love of Marc Summers.

Women in Bikinis Watch Reruns of Cheers: The Show
Expected to be a ratings home run and a major reason why studios will refrain from pursuing good faith negotiations with the writers.

On a Date with Funbox

Even though Funbox is listed as “Single” on Myspace it still likes to go on dates, here’s the recap of our most recent one!

Funbox doesn’t like to kiss and tell so we’ll keep our date (Who we totally scored with, by the way!) anonymous, lets call her “Kelly.” Funbox showed up at Kelly’s house promptly at 8 and waited in the parlor, chatting with Kelly’s dad. “So what do you boys do for a living?” Funbox is kind of in between things right now, due to the writer’s strike, so we decided to change the subject by accidentally knocking over a vase. Kelly sure looked pretty, and she said that our cologne smelled, “like vinyl or something” which prompted a lot of elbowing amongst us (A long debate over whether to use cologne or not had been settled when everyone agreed that we had to “smell the same” and we all made sure to apply an equal 4 tablespoons).

The real trouble started once we got to dinner. Our original seating plan had only been agreed upon after 2 and ½ hours of vigorous debate and a dice based variant of rock-paper-scissors. Funbox finally agreed that Kelly would sit facing the window “So she could check her makeup in the reflection.” But when we got to the diner she wanted to sit facing the restaurant. Funbox is very chivalrous but we hadn’t brought our dice! Short story long, we took turns sitting to the left and across from Kelly and making excuses to leave the table, with a plan for 12 minute rotations. Dinner conversation was very stimulating, and we made sure to tell Kelly so by paying her complements like, “That’s a good point,” “I couldn’t agree more” and “I find this dinner conversation very stimulating!”

It’s important to make your date feel comfortable and not offend her, so during the movie we all watched Kelly closely and only laughed when she did, and we made sure to ask every 15 minutes if she wanted anything from the concession stand. Then it was time to head home. We told Kelly we had had a wonderful evening and that we hoped we could all do it again sometime. She said she’d “let us know” and then gave us a kiss on the cheek! We’re going to marry her!