Office troubles

Every office has that one co-worker who is an absolute dick. In Funbox's office our dick jokes around constantly, and his jokes are always at the expense of interns and other underlings, and always along the lines of “you are incompetent and will be fired soon.” When you work in an industry like I do, where such things are a real possibility, it’s rather cruel perpetually tell underlings that they might not make this months rent.

That’s why I'm grooming one of the interns to kill him.

It starts simply enough. A few jokes by the water cooler, a shared commiseration that we have to spend 10 hour days cooped up with this asshole, and of course a steady supply of fruit snacks to reward any thought that leans in a murderous direction. The groundwork thus laid, I then began a series of casual IM’s that I would send whenever the offender was yelling at the intern. He would try to hide his smiles when “FUNB0xx1: What a Dickhole!” poped up on his desktop while the oblivious red-faced ass-munch screamed away. After that, it was simple, almost too simple. I just slowly increased the frequency and intensity of the IM’s. Now the IM's are more like “FUNB0xx1: Soon he’ll be dead, and we will consummate our love. Soon my angel… soon.”

Every now and then he will express reluctance “InTERnGuy1444: What about an office prank instead of, you know, first degree murder.” But I just ease his mind with more fruit snacks.

Oral Sex: The Business Plan

Executive Summary

Introduction:
Oral Sex™, a subsidiary of Sex ™, is a fantastic new product that will fill an ever growing niche for new ways to climax. Not only will Oral Sex™ be able to draw in large parts of the consumer groups who already enjoy Sex™, but parts of the population hesitant to try Sex™ may find themselves fully ready to embrace Oral Sex™.

Mission Statement:
Oral Sex™ aims to offer a fun fresh new way to Orgasm® without the high cost and emotional investment that comes from traditional copulation.

The Company:
Coming off the success of their previous companies, Kissing Inc. and Hand Jobs LLC., founders Barry Jay and Richard Lechter, sought to combine their efforts and forge a path ahead into an unexplored market/orifice.

Products and Services:
We have found that using the starting point of taking genitals and sticking and/or rubbing them onto/into peoples oral cavities has created a nearly endless variety of choices to offer the public. Popular items include: The French Mambo©, The Rain Check ©, The Arizona Truck Stop©, Venti DeCaf©, and The Inside Out Handshake (© pending).

The Market:
Everyone.

Financial Considerations:
Learning much from their high risk, low yield venture Anal Pleasure ™, the people behind Oral Sex™ have severely reduced the time and cost needed at the start of the venture till those involved will start seeing dividends.

Keys to Success:
- Moving the product from being thought of as a special occasion treat to an everyday necessity.
- Hair management.

funbox helped write a music video

No promises, but if you watch it, we promise to you'll live forever and have many strong children.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3c3bXR6n1ZA

Did you know that a honeybee’s brain is no larger than the period at the end of this sentence?
I mean the period at the end of this sentence, that last one was a question mark.*

*period not to scale

meeting

After a few minutes, his focus completely shifted to the cup full of peppermints placed at his table, and his effort to grasp one with his mind and hurl it into the gaping maw of Deborah, the much hated company controller. He imagined her feathered 1980's haircut standing on end in fright, as five grams of cellophane-wrapped-breath-freshening-death closed upon her. Despite the unlikelihood of the scenario, he knew if the universe granted him this power, it would be the most productive meeting the company had ever had.

Gay or a Pirate?

Has this happened to you? You are standing at a bar minding your own business, and a gentleman comes up and starts talking to you. Before you know it, he offers to have you escort him outside! You have only seconds to decided if he is Gay and wants to make love inside you, or if he is a Pirate and wants to sell you into White Slavery. Here is a handy checklist to help you decide. Your life may depend on it.

1. Is he wearing a bandanna or a handkerchief?
2. Does he walk with a cocksure strut?
3. Has swabbing poop decks been mentioned?
4. Is he wearing colorful leggings?
5. Does he taste salty?
6. Is he adorned with jewels and rings?
7. Has he talked about run ins with the navy?
8. Is he wearing a shirt under his leather vest.
9. If he is wearing a shirt, is it covered in ruffles?
10. Can he last for months at a time without the company of women?

Answers these questions, and you should know what to do.

Super Power

I recently had the chance to acquire the super power of my choice to when I earned the gratitude of a hyper-intelligent race of aliens (I won’t go into the details (they are boring).

But what power to choose? Super strength, while a popular choice, seemed like the kind of power that would get you roped into helping people move. I thought Super Speed would be a good pick but then I started thinking about what would happen to me if I tripped while doing 60 (not to mention the bugs in the teeth). Psychic powers are where the real action is, but once I looked at the side effects; nosebleeds! Forget that! Invulnerability seemed like it would be a real problem if I got appendicitis or something, and the aliens weren’t too clear on the specifics of what diseases I would be immune to (there was a big list, but like half of it was weird viruses that don’t even exist on earth).

I finally settled on the best power I could think of: the ability to absorb other superpowers. It would be great! The more Super humans I met, the more powerful I would become. I was pretty proud of myself; after all, meta-powers are the best kind of powers!

Here’s the thing though… I haven’t really encountered that many Super-powers yet. I mean, I’ve got a few. So far I’ve absorbed the power to see future haircuts (Sometimes more like a curse) and I'm impervious to Tin.

At this point I’m just trying to find someone with flu resistance.

the problem

The problem wasn't when our dishwasher started sounding like an airplane from World War II.

The problem was when it started fire-bombing Dresden.

Running for Office

Now, I know what you're thinking, why would someone as successful and good looking as me risk it all for a chance to become California's State Controller? Running for office is always risky, especially when you have to run against a strong incumbent like John Chiang. Is it because I have a strong sense of Civic Duty? Is it because I crave power, whatever the cost? Is it because I want to rule the eighth-largest economy in the world and make sure the state’s $100 billion budget is spent properly, while helping to administer more than $300 billion in state pension funds and serve on 76 state boards and commissions? No.

The answer is I want to kiss people's babies.

Plump babies, skinny babies, cute babies, babies with Reye's syndrome, all of them! I can't help myself. At first I tried paying for it, but people seem to be less willing to accept the standard "kiss your baby for money" deal. That's when the idea struck me. Who gets to kiss all the babies they want? People running for State Controller. Vote for me.

Temptation

This weekend, FunBox went to a beautiful house in Malibu. Its owner was a jovial fellow, and father to three beautiful daughters. With a knowing gleam in his eye, he smiled spoke the most exciting words that a group of three young men could ever hear: “I work in construction. If you ever want to destroy a house and tape it, I can make that happen.”

Fight!

Like any group of people, FunBox doesn't always see eye to eye. While most of the time this is due to height difference, sometimes this is from a difference of opinion. And when that happens, things can get heated and feelings can get hurt. To help with this FunBox has created some rules and tips to make sure that our friendship doesn't get friendsunk.

1. Give the person you disagree with a hug before and after everything you say.
2. Don't project. Instead of saying "You are stupid." Say "I think you are stupid."
3. If you are going to interrupt, make sure to honk the interruption horn.
4. Make sure someone says every ten minutes or so "At least we can agree to disagree."
5. Pie charts are a great way to help people visualize what you are saying about pie.
6. Remember that none of this really matters since were all going to die.
7. Everyone knows he kissed your girlfriend. Stop bringing it up.
8. Remember the three R's. Reason, Respect, and Rhyming.
9. Crying helps people to stop and think.
10. If no one can agree ask a passerby if they think you are right.

Remember these and you too will be able to turn an argument into argu-fun.

Robot Office

So at my office, I work with a bunch of robots.
I’m actually the only human there. I don’t know if you’ve ever been the only person in your office of a specific race/gender/ethnicity but it can get awkward.

I was walking down the hall and these two robots were totally talking about me. I could tell.

Robot 1 (Not his real name): And he’s always doing “breathing” thing. I mean I know he needs to do it to live, but do you have to do it like, in front of me?

Robot 2 (Not his real name): Yeah it’s like, “You’re a human, that’s fine. You can be a human, but you don’t need to rub everybody’s face in it.

Robot 1: And like he gets to go home to “sleep” or whatever. I don’t see why we need to pick up the slack just ‘cause he has special needs. (Stops, hears me) Oh! Heyyy… Guy.

Me: Hey robots, what were you guys just talking about?

Robot 1: Nothing.

Robot 2: What’s that in your hand?

Me: Oh that’s food… I need it to live.

Robot 1: (rolls eyes).

Then we got in a huge fight. And now my robot manager is making me take "insensitivity training."
Jerks.
At least I get my own bathroom.

Too dang hot...

Today it was so hot we saw an egg frying on a sidewalk...

...and then a dog exploded!