Podcast Fun!

All this week, Paul is guesting on the very funny podcast "Ten Minutes with Andrew and J.J."

http://www.andrewandjj.com/

Visit their site and hear the guys talk about grilled cheese, chicken beaks, and that poor guy who got shot in the head with 34 nails!

Targov: the Warrior with a Business Degree

We join our warriors high on the wind swept plains of Mongolia.

Chief Nartock: Come, men! Victory will be ours. Their warriors will fall before our swords, the children will weep, and their women will be raped!

Targov: Um, excuse.

Chief Nartock (rubs his eyes): Yes. Targov. What is it?

Targov: Thank you Chief. I just thought that this might be an ideal time to rethink some of internal strategy so that we might capitalize on future growth by utilizing our own current potential.

Chief Nartock: Umm...

Targov: Bare with me for just a second. (Passes out nicely bound packets to the warriors.) Now you can see on page three how our productivity has been severly marginilize by not fully reintegrating our available workforce. But using our enemies and their children as slave labor instead of liquidating them -

High Priest Tarmoot: But it is their spirits that we feast upon to give us strength!

Targov: Not anymore. I just signed us an indorsement deal with Johansens Bottled Spirit, the strength of the undead with out all the mess. We just have to etch their logo onto our swords and I'm sure the gods will favor us with high returns.

Chief Nartock: Enough Targov! We will enslave them. I don't care as long as I still get to rape their women.

Targov: Actually Cheif, we did some market research and it seems people much prefer the term "Hostile Merger." Also instead of swords, we will know by using "Danger Sticks," and our horse will be called - (Chief Nartock cuts off Targov's head)

Gartock: Business Warrior

Deep in the bowels of Well's Fargo's Pasadena Branch Gartock attempts to obtain a job.

Gartock: Well...I can type faster than a bear.

Carl Peters Branch VP: Right...we don't have many bears in the office...can you give me a number of words per minute on that?

Gartock: I file like an eagle!


Carl: Again...no eagles here.

Later...Gartock tries a different tactic.

Gartock: I swear upon my father's blood to obey this covenant.

Carl: That's great but you still don't have collateral

Gartock: What if you sold the blood to a research lab who needed it for plasma?
Carl: I'm sorry but it wouldn't suffice as collateral for the $14000 you're trying to borrow to open an appliance shop.

Gartock: I've had a difficult time repurposing myself to fit this economy.

What if Cats Were Made of Chocolate?

Photo by Heather Landis

The answer is obvious. Women would consume them during periods of high stress.

Chock-o-Cat! Gives you love and calories!

Who do you think punched that picture? I remember once I had to stay over at someone’s house and the person whose room I was staying in had just gone through a messy breakup. There was the big “We’re Happy!” standard couple photo on the wall. It had been shattered. Depressing.

In real life Debra Rico and Tony Sam, also pictured, (the guy, not the cat) are going to get married. We wish them all the best.

Why Do We Drive Our Flying Cars in Lanes?

Traffic Lights? We don't need no stinking traffic lights!

Everyone does this! Furturama, the Star Wars prequels, even Back to the Future!

If your Sci-Fi has flying cars, chances are they will all fly in lanes just like their modern day counterparts, despite the fact that they can, you know, fly!

I can understand having roads and lanes when you can only travel in 2 dimensions and there are big things like buildings around but every time I see “Gridlock in Space” I start shouting “Just go around!”

Is this just me? Am I missing something?

Buzz Kill

Someone in my office played a cruel prank on me.

Not even a prank. Someone in my office senselessly attacked me.

I was in the copy room preparing to fax a handful of business documents for business reasons, and I needed to fill out a cover sheet with the proper business information for my my business associate. Reaching into the nearby pen cup, I innocently grabbed that last remaining pen.

It being of a retractable nature, I clicked the button on the back. The tip would not emerge. It seemed the pen we jammed. I pressed the button harder trying to force the pen out. A shooting pain flared in my hand! I quickly dropped the pen.

Clutching my stinging hand, confused and bewildered, I inspected the pen closer. It wasn't a pen at all! Rather it was a device designed to look like a pen, but instead of allowing the user it to write, it caused the user to writhe... in torment!



Now I have as good of a sense of humor as the next person, some might even argue better, so I can appreciate a good prank. If some rapscallion had insisted I use his pen, and then I got a shock, sure, we both could have a good chuckle over my predicament. But where I ask you, is the enjoyment of leaving the false pen lying around to punish random innocent bystanders? The perpetrator wasn't even around to enjoy my shocked face. No good readers, this sick bastard got his jollies just from imagining the pain he caused others. Shameful!

I promptly created a warning sign telling coworkers

"Do not use this Pen. It is a Prank Pen. Using it will give you a mild electric shock."

Consider yourself thwarted prankster.

I mean that thing really stung. I couldn't even use a stapler for a couple minutes. Stupid Fucker.

Pinocchio in Love: The Musical

Song list:
I'm a Real Boy When I Touch You
Gepetto Built me to Find You
Our Noses Grow Like Our Love
You're My Pleasure Island

Let’s Go to Germany Where We Can Make Shitty Movies for Free!

Hey that looks terrible!

Ok, So if you guys already know who Uwe Boll is, then I apologize for posting a “Hey have you guys heard of these Lolcatz?” –type blog. But if you don’t, you are in for a treat!

Here is a list of Fun facts about Uwe Boll

1. Uwe Boll is a German director who makes terrible, terrible movies based on videogames.

2. His film In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Cost $60 million to produce.

3. It made $10 million.

4. When critics, almost unanimously, pan his films he challenges them to boxing matches (for real!) or calls them “retards.”

5. For some reason he holds a doctorate.

6. He’s able to finance his films because, in his own words “[T]he reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government."

7. He’s currently working on a film entitled Darfur.

…wait what? That’s a terrible joke Funbox, not cool!

No FOR REAL!

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi884080921/

FunBox Comedy Breaking Up Forever!

Feelings can get hurt when you care too much.

Ha! April Fools! See you totally thought there was going to be a long article explaining with various amusing reasons why FunBox broke up. But surprise, we totally didn't write an April Fool's day article!

I can just imagine your face. All excited to read an awesome tale of internal strife at FunBox HQ, and then BAM! Denied! No Paul insisted on bringing his pet ferrets into the writing room. No Matt was upset that Paul's ferrets slept with his girlfriend. No Will has a sudden case of agoraphobia. No nothing! Prank History? Made.

We also put cling wrap over your toilet. Its going to look like your poop is floating.