At the Zoo

I guess it looks sorta like a prairie dog...

I would like to present to you my 3 act play entitled At the A Zoo.

Act 1: The Gorillas

A mother gorilla and her baby are grooming each other. I sit quietly with my back slightly turned so as not to disturb them. A teenage girl and her friend approach.

Loud Teenage Girl: OH MY GOD look at that one’s titties!

Her Friend: I think that’s the daddy.

Loud Teenage girl: Those titties are huge!

The gorillas quietly walk away.

Act 2: The Meerkats

The Meerkats are all out of their burrows; they are digging around, climbing on rocks and generally doing interesting things. I sit quietly watching. A group of people approach the enclosure.

Loud Woman: OH MY GOD! Jackie come look! Look at the prairie dogs! Jackie look LOOK do you see the prairie dogs?

Jackie (a 4 year old girl) is uninterested.

Loud Woman: (picking Jackie out of her stroller) Look! See!

The Meerkats return to their burrows.

Act 3: the Lion

Douche bag guy: (Clapping) Yo! Prrr! Roar! Hey! (A loud whistle)

The Lion continues to sleep.

Epilogue: The Chimps

A Chimp picks up a huge clod of dirt and throws it at a group of ladies. They all shriek.

Ladies: (Ad lib) Why did he do that?

-end-

Belated Oscar Observation

Although Heath Ledger's death was a tragedy, at least his family's acceptance of his posthumous award finally gave the world the chance to see if he had a hot sister.

Enemy Mode

Screw it, I’m gonna go backwards!

Hey kids! Are you playing a game that all of a sudden you’ve stopped enjoying? Don’t quit, instead just go into Enemy Mode! What’s Enemy Mode you ask? Enemy Mode is where you continue to play and abide by the rules, while still trying to ruin it for everybody.

Playing Mario Kart and you’re way behind? Simply go into Enemy Mode and run the race backwards! You’re sure to be an obstacle and annoyance for everyone!

Poker night and all of a sudden you just ‘don’t feel like playing anymore’? Don’t politely collect your chips and leave the table! That’s the Adult thing to do. Instead switch to Enemy Mode! Make wild bets, tell some players what cards you have and not others, go all-in every hand! As long as you don’t technically break any of the rules you’re in Enemy Mode!

Playing Risk and you realize you’re probably not going to win? Instead of trying your best and playing the game as it’s meant to be played, ally yourself with another player (particularly if it’s a significant other) and try to end the game as quickly as possible by letting them eliminate you! Not only will you be able to end this game quickly, Enemy Mode assures that you probably won’t be asked to play again!

P.S. Sometimes Enemy Mode is actually awesome.

The Watchmen and President Baby

In FunBox Vlog #6, FunBox talks with special guest Asterios about people who don't understand the Watchmen movie and presidentbaby.com

Nothing Vomits in D&D

"Foolish mortals soon my pow- BLEAAAARRGGG! Oh god. I shouldn't fly after eating so many maidens"

I’ve been playing Dungeons and Dragons for quite a while now and I’ve noticed something strange. Nothing ever vomits in D&D. Ever!

I first noticed this when I was reading the entry for the purple worm. In case you’re lame and don’t play RPGs, a purple worm is a giant purple… well worm. One of the most awful things it can do to you is swallow you whole.

Here’s part of the description of the Purple worm’s “Swallow whole ability”

“Swallow Whole: A purple worm can try to swallow a grabbed opponent of a smaller size than itself by making a successful grapple check… A swallowed creature can cut its way out by using a light slashing or piercing weapon… Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.” (Emphasis mine)

Ok so that’s weird. When you get swallowed by the giant worm you can stab at its throat and instead of vomiting you out it lets you slice through its body and then some mysterious ‘muscular action’ will close the hole. But, you know what it’s a giant worm there’s a lot of weird biology for a giant worm maybe it’s different for other creatures that eat you.

Giant shark:

“… the shark’s digestive tract (AC 13). Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole; another swallowed opponent must cut its own way out.”

T-rex:

“…Tyrannosaurus’s gizzard. A swallowed creature can cut its way … Once the creature exits, muscular action closes the hole…”

NOTHING EVER VOMITS! Is vomiting somehow obscene? If so why is slashing your way out of a creature’s throat less obscene?

Now I know some readers out there are going to mention how nothing ever goes to the bathroom or reproduces either, but there are no “poop attacks.” If you are going to have rules for swallowing things whole, why give every single creature that can do that a magical self sealing throat as well?

Incidentally if you look up the condition “Nauseated” there is no mention of vomit.

Taken

This weekend I saw the Liam Nieson movie "Taken," in case you haven't seen "Taken," it's the movie where Liam Nieson's daughter is kidnapped into the international sex trade, and then Liam Nieson gets all angry and says

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

"Taken," was such an awesome movie that it got three applause breaks in the AMC Burbank Theater that evening. I think it's because of awesome lines like:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

Anyway, what you should do is go see "Taken," and if you feel like it, leave a comment on this blog. What you shouldn't do though is kidnap Liam Nieson's daughter, and listen to his voice on the other end of his daughter's phone line. He's just going to tell you:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

…and no matter who you are, that's not a fun Friday night.

MomGuyver

"Yes, sweetie it's definitely a bomb."

Don’t you love it when your mom comes to visit? My mother is out here LA for a few days and here is a sample of some of our conversations.

Mom: Hey what ever happed to that GPS thing I got you for Christmas?

Me: I couldn’t ever get it to turn on. I showed it to a few other people but no one knew what was wrong.

Cut to: The next day

Mom: It’s your car’s electrical system! It wasn’t charging the GPS. I fixed it. Also, your Wifi network was lagging, so I switched it from Access point to Ad Hoc. Using this bottle cap and some tinfoil!

Me: Thanks Momguyver!

Does everyone’s Mom do this kinda stuff?

She’s building some kind of laundry robot now.

The Brewster plan to save a nation

While republicans and democrats can't agree on the contents of a stimulus package, both sides want it to come about quickly, and more importantly, they hope the money distributed isn't saved, or used to replace other money that would have been spent. They want it in the economy immediately. FunBox has the solution: The Brewster's Millions Stimulus Package.

Remember Richard Pryor? That guy was awesome. And in 1985 he was in an awesome movie called Brewster's Millions. Basically, Brewster's long lost eccentric rich dude uncle dies. The will says Brewster has 30 days to spend $30 Million dollars. If successful, he'll inherit ten times the money.

So here's the deal. Let's take that $819 billion, divvy it up and give $1 million to 819,000 luck Brewster-Americans. Now there are a few conditions Brewster has to deal with and they'd also apply to our plan. Brewsters can't have new assets at the end of the month. This means they can' just buy cool shit and hang out with their stuff. They have to be out in society spending money! Injecting it into buisneses and individuals who'd likely respend it.

Brewsters can only solicit services and hire people offering actual value, and can't just give it away, gamble it, or buy things to destroy. That means no just laundering it through your friend, and no wasted materials.

So what does that mean? It means Party City USA! Brewster was a cool dude. He joins the mayoral election, throws killer champagne parties, and hires the Yankees to scrimmage his minor league team. For those of us unable to be brewsters ourselves we'll surly get to enjoy the fall out of all these parties, and all this good will going around.

A million for many, champign for all, and the greatest month of partying that this country has ever had. The Brewster Plan will not just entertain us, it'll save us.

Write to your congressman now.