I need more Drills

In elementary school, they use to prepare us for terrible situations like fires and tornadoes with drills. Sometimes they were welcome like a fire drill getting us out of class for a half hour. Sometimes they were painful like being hunched over in the hall for a tornado drill. But overall they left me with a sense of security that if something dangerous happened I would be prepared.

As an adult, that feeling has completely gone away. If there was a fire in my office I would have no idea where to go. We have no safety spot to meet up at. No designated escape routes. Every time there is an earthquake their is an argument about whether we should run outside or hide under a desk. I want drills.

More importantly I want drills for the other important disasters that may happen in my life. I want to practice what to do if I get dumped by a girl. I want to run through my emergency plan for getting fired. Who couldn't use a walkthrough of how to handle a pregnancy scare in a calm orderly manner. To be honest, I have some ulterior motives, as I am heavily invested in a pregnancy scare alarm company.

The sound of crying baby lets you know to go to your closest window and climb down our patented emergency fear of commitment ladder.

Robot Clichés

What is this "love"?

Tow-Headed kid: Wowee! A real life robot!

Cute Freckled Girl: What’s your name robot?

Robot: Do-Not-Have-Name.

Gap-toothed Child: Gee wiz! You don’t even have a name?

Tow-Headed kid: That’s Ok, we’ll give you a name… How about Robbie? Robbie the Robot.

Robot: Name-is-Robbie?

Cute Freckled Girl: It sure is! We love you Robbie!

Robot: What-is-this-love?

Gap-toothed Child: Gee wiz! You don’t even know what love is?

Cute Freckled Girl: Love is what you feel in your heart with people who care about you you.

Robot: Love-is-in-heart?

Tow-Headed kid: That’s right Robbie!

Robbie puts his fist through Tow-Headed kid’s chest.

Robot: Must-acquire-love.

Tow-Headed kid: Urk!

Gap-toothed Child: Jesus Christ!

Robot: (crushes the still beating heart in its hand) Feel-love-in-heart.

Cute Freckled Girl: Oh God no!

Robbie is to fast for them. They are quickly vaporized.

Robot: Must destroy human masters!

Wash My Ride!

Who needs to be pimped when Car Care is taken to the max with the help of Panorama and his crew?

Praying is for suckers

Lots of people pray when there's a natural disaster. I don't understand that. Don't get me wrong, I understand the wanting to be saved. But you what are you doing? It's pretty obvious what side God's on: he sent a giant hurricane! I'm thinking...if a guy tries to hurricane you...he's probably not a big fan of you. Meanwhile everyone's like: "Know who could get me out of this mess of God sending a giant hurricane on me?...God! I should tell him how great he is!"

That'd be like if General Motors closed down a big factory and the whole town went out and bought them gift baskets saying they were awesome in hopes that they'd magically reverse their decision. That's why when something bad happens I suggest not praying at all...but maybe we should start a union.

Screw the Introverts!

Hello, I have bad social skills and don't want to do anything about it.

In case you were not aware, I go to a lot of late night comedy. I recently saw a Comic who kept talking about how she was an introvert and how it was so difficult to live in our ‘Extrovert driven society.’ My question to her is “were there societies that were introvert driven?” Not to be a dick or anything, but extroversion seems to be a pretty big prerequisite for being in charge of people. I’m just trying to imagine a society led by introverts.

“My fellow Mongols, today we ride for war and glory… if you want.”

On the other hand, maybe we should start blaming introverts for wars and stuff.

“My lord, the Saxon foes have sent a delegation, what should we do?”

“Um, I really have a hard time in social situations… just murder them or something.”

Is this making you mad introverts?! Why don’t you do something about it! Oh, that’s right...

Free Stuff

When I was in grade school we had an assignment to write to a corporation. My older cousin had just informed me how Proctor and Gamble test their products on animals. Prompted by my blank stares she further explained that testing on animals was wrong. This assignment would be my chance to explain to those evil guys at Proctor and Gamble that they should change their ways. I furiously scribbled out:

Dear Proctor and Gamble,

You should stop testing on animals. Testing on animals is wrong and hurts the animals. There are other ways to test your products. If you do not stop I will not buy your stuff anymore.

Sincerely,
The Younger and Very Serious Me

With pride in my heart and spit on my tongue I licked the stamp and sent the correspondence on its way. My pride quickly dissipated two weeks later when we got our responses.

I recieved from Proctor and Gamble a huge packet containing facts about their testing and how they do not test on animals. This might seem fine until you look at what the kids around me got. Coupons for free shit! It turns out everyone else had written letters like this:

Dear McDonalds,

Your hamburgers taste awesome.

Love,
Idiot Children

And for their troubles they received coupons for free burgers, drinks, back rubs, and larger free drinks.

I learned never to care about social issues again.

I also learned that if you write to food companies about anything they send you coupons. Man I love coupons.

Small earthquakes do me no good

Don't you hate it when you get a really cool gift that you can't yet use? Lately I've been thinking a lot about the earthquake kit I got for Christmas. It's got everything: meal rations, water proof matches, even a foil thin thermal blanket! I go to sleep at night thinking about how awesome it would be to use the hand powered radio. I mean it would be like listening to a regular radio only powered by my own hands! And I'm really excited about those meal rations. They're like little bricks of food! Bricks! Imagine going to a buffet and eating a retaining wall of flavor! Anyway, the big one better come soon, cause I'm excited. I've got a ton of waterproof matches that aren't wetting themselves.

Every NPR 'World Music' Segment Ever

He sucks

DJ Douchebag

We take you now to (Vietnam/Venezuela/Tibet/Burkina Faso) where an age old tradition is being giving new life. The music of (insert band name here) is a fusion of (traditional location’s) folk music and (lounge/“gives it a hip-hop-beat” /trance/swing/big band) to create an otherworldly new sound. With one foot in the old world, and one in the new, this music bridges the gap between history and the present.

[Cut to terrible track of music in language you can’t understand. Ideally includes guttural stops.]

We sat down with (artist with shitty foreign name) to learn more about this fascinating musical art form that is taking Vietnam and the New York underground by storm.

TERRY GROSS: Some people have criticized your commercialization of an iconic cultural art form. How do you respond to that?

[For the rest of the interview, pretend audience is actually invested in the purity of the Throat Singers of Tuva, or is upset about how it has been kept in a cultural deep freeze until this woman/bunch of dudes who listen to terrible American trance beats, saved it.]

The World is Ending

Forget what Nostradamus says. Forget about the Mayan calendar. I have proof that the world is going to end in 2009.

It all started New Year's Eve when I went to tune into the countdown. (Which is really weird to watch in L.A. since all the countdowns are in New York and happened three hours earlier. It kinda makes it feel fake knowing that most of those people counting on screen are already stuck in traffic trying to get home.) To my dismay, this is what I had to choose from:



These two surely must be two of the horseman of the apocalypse. Ryan Seacrest, representing Death and riding on his trusty mount, Paula Abdul. Carson Daly, embodying the full force of Pestilence (is there a better example of a plague than the teens on TRL?) riding his well muscled Britney Spears fanboy. What other reason could there be to have two such calming vapid men host our transition to the New Year if it wasn't to make us more serene and accepting of our fate.

Of course, if this really was the end of the world we would need two more horseman, War and Famine. Why hey! Look who it is over there:

Time Management

Happy new year! A new year presents newfound freedoms and opportunities and can often be overwhelming. That's why we present the following time management hints:

1. Assess your situation. Do you really want to manage your time? If so, keep reading this guide.
2. Be realistic. Despite your optimism, don't plan minutes for a significant other if you don't yet have one, especially if you're ugly. Lack of a companion will keep you free of commitment on Saturday nights. But don't think of it in terms of a glass being half full. It's more that the glass is sitting on the couch every weekend viewing episodes of Deputy Dog on the Cartoon Network.
3. Be conscious of your office environment. Don't expect to write work paper if you spend the entire time releasing harmful CFC's into the air and dumping toxic ink into the ocean. And start recycling you selfish meat-eating bastard.
4. Always plan at least two courses of action. One should be a straightforward sounding method to attain your desired result. The other, known as Plan B should be "so crazy that it just might work." When the first strategy unexpectedly fails you'll promptly follow through with "B," likely saving the town and earning gratitude from a friendly sheriff.
5. Try to organize. There's nothing better to do the night before an important presentation than uncluttering your living space. By spending the entire evening cleaning you'll feel a deep sense of accomplishment going into the presentation You'll also avoid dying while asleep like grandpa did last year.
6. Consider what's important and prioritize. Seriously, you can't expect to do work while playing computer solitaire. It's a distraction. Put the book away otherwise you'll never win. Those Las Vegas rules are hard.
7. Finally, remember to schedule any nervous breakdowns. Plan them at least five days in advance. That way you can purchase firearms and make them much more dramatic.