Trunk Opened; Junk Revealed

After decades of research, scientists this week finally opened that trunk. On first inspection the inside appeared to be filled with junk, but further studies showed the junk to specifically be half drunken milkshakes. Lead scientists are speculating that these hastily discarded milkshakes must certainly be the remnants of the missing tribe of boys. This band of young men was reportedly last seen ‘in the yard’ where the trunk itself was found. In the upcoming weeks we hope to have further information on if it was indeed the milkshakes that brought the boys to the yard and what the scientists plan on doing with all that junk inside that trunk.

The FunBox Porch Garden: The Beginning

The FunBox Porch Garden: The Beginning
by: Hans Christian Anderson

Once upon a time, Willie noticed the budget was getting out of hand. “It’s not so much the price of filming, or the large quantities of calamine lotion we give our guest stars in lieu of financial compensation. It’s the dinners we’ve been feeding our friends complete with fresh produce and herbs!”

“What can we do?” Paul wondered aloud. “We can’t stop giving our friends calamine lotion, fresh produce and herbs! We’re trying to maintain a level of professionalism.”

“I know,” said Matt. “Money doesn’t grow on trees, and nether does factory bottled calamine lotion!”

“No it doesn’t,” Willie said. “But fresh produce and herbs often grown on trees and in bushes. And some of those bushes can be put in pots. And some of those pots can be put on our patio!”

So the boys of FunBox ran and they ran and they ran, all the way until they could get to the gardening store. And thus began their great and wonderful porch gardening adventure.

What will they buy at the gardening store? Will the plants grow? Will the budget be saved? Stay tuned for the next exciting chapter of: The FunBox Porch Garden.

Headbutt!

Ouch!

When did movies decide that the Headbutt was the ultimate martial arts technique that when done right none could defend against? Think about it! How many times have you seen a guy not knocked out by a headbutt? None! How many guys have you seen survive a nuclear explosion? A couple, right?! Like Indianna Jones and the Crappy Movie of I Wish I Didn’t Spend Ten Dollars On.

Nothing works like a Headbutt. “There he is! Shoot him!” (Guy dives out of the way, bullets spark around him.) “Alright, that didn’t work. Let’s blow up the building instead!” (Guy leaps forward as the building explodes behind him). “Alright let’s try a headbutt.” Checkmate! ... or should I say Headbutt!

Headbutts are unstoppable in movies, they’re like hovercrafts. “Oh no here comes the hovercraft! How are we going to get away?” “Quick, jump into this lake” No good! The hovercraft is undeterred by the change in terrain! It’s the same deal with headbutts!

Have you ever seen a real headbutt? Real headbutts are a horrifying! Most of the time it hurts both people about equally, it’s a ghastly bloody affair and I hate to see it glamorized in film!

Comedy Stat!

I was thinking today about what would be my specialty if I ever went into medical field. Now don’t get too worried FunBox fans, I’m not saying that I am leaving comedy forever to go to med school, this is purely a hypothetical. After much debating between brain surgeon and vagina doctor, I struck upon the perfect job for me. I want to be the nurse that ushers the loved ones out of the room.

They are the unsung heroes of the emergency room. You see them in every medical show out there. A poor woman is going into lung failure because her spleen is actually her twin sisters and her husband is yelling over the persistent beeping of the machines, “What’s happening to her? Is she going to be o.k.?” It is at that point that the devastatingly good looking medical team pushes him out of the way and says, “Somebody get him out of here!” That’s when I would spring into action. Swiftly I would gently push him towards the door, sliding the curtain close, separating him, possibly forever, from his loved one. “We’re going to need you to wait here, sir,” I would tell him firmly but kindly. Then knowing I had done my part, I would head to the next emergency ready to shove another worried confused family member out of the way.

Shocking Heath Ledger Revelation

Happy post batman weekend everyone. Did you see the movie? FunBox did, and we made a video about it. Don't worry though: no spoilers.

Here are a few fun facts about the filming of "Shocking Heath Ledger Revelation"

*The part of Matt was played by Matt, while the part of Paul was played by Paul. This was done because it was 8 AM on a Saturday - much to early for it to be practical to memorize fake names.

*The book Matt is holding contains the complete works of Shakespeare because we were hoping to get a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

*The National Endowment for the Arts did not return our calls.

*The black shirts worn by both actors are meant to symbolize mourning and signify the fact that both Paul and Matt are at similar periods in their laundry-doing cycles.

*Matt refused to work unless an untouched glass of orange juice was in close proximity at all times.

*Paul's religious preferences dictated that he stay seated as much as possible.

*This is the second film where Paul lovingly consoles a heartbroken Matt. Their girlfriends are starting to get jealous.

What’s So Great About Your Fantasy?

For a long time I’ve felt guilty about loving comic books. Somewhere along the way I read something that described them as ‘Juvenile power fantasies’ and that struck a chord with me. I still loved the crap out of comic books, mind you, but there was this small critical voice in the back of my mind that kept saying, “You’re wasting your time! Why don’t you read some real literature?” So, in an effort to shut that little voice up, I did. I decided to read some of the most enduring literature ever composed by human beings. These are my summaries of the stories that have captivated us for thousands of years and that have been told and retold since the dawn of civilization.

The Epic of Gilgamesh: Gilgamesh, a psychologically complex man with strength beyond that of normal men, fights monsters, demons, and another man with incredible strength in this juvenile power fantasy.

The Iliad: Achilles, a psychologically complex man and the greatest warrior alive, tries to decide weather or not to fight in a war with the Trojans. When he finally does fight, he’s totally awesome and stabs a whole bunch of them in this Juvenile power fantasy.

The Mahabharata: A psychologically complex team of superhero brothers fight a war with their relatives in this Juvenile power fantasy.

Richie Rich: A kid has a lot of money, zaniness ensues.

Ok, so that last one is actually a comic book.

FunBox Burger

Menu from FunBox’s new fast food Restaurant FunBox Burger.

Classic Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin topped with a slice of Vermont cheddar made especially for us in Wisconsin. Served with vine ripened tomatoes and vine ripened lettuce. All topped with our special “Matt Sauce” on a sesame bread holder. This is the burger to eat when you want a burger to eat.

Razz-a-ma-tazz Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin seasoned with all the jazz of New Orleans! This is topped with a slice of 100% certified Angus Mozzarella and smothered in an authentic style Creole Jambalaya sauce. It is topped off with lettuce, grilled onion, and a live deep fried crawdad. Not even a levy could hold you back from this one.

Uncle Sam’s Burger

An all American burger like your grandfather ate! Two half-pound U.S.D.A. certified chuck patties are topped with creamy havarti and Edam cheeses and a fresh mescaline salad with a lemon poppy seed vinaigrette. All this is piled high on grilled rye bread. Served with a side of our White Bean Gazpacho Soup.

Thunderstorm Burger

We call it our Thunderstorm Burger because you are going to get drenched. A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin is topped with over 8 oz. of Barbeque Sauce, Honey Mustard sauce, “Matt Sauce,” Creole Jambalaya sauce, and Mustard Honey sauce. Your choice of a cracked wheat bun or a bowl.

Southwest Burger

A quarter pound of freshly ground sirloin topped with a slice of Vermont cheddar made especially for us in Wisconsin. Served with vine ripened tomatoes and vine ripened lettuce. All topped with our special “Matt Sauce” on a sesame bread holder. One bite and you will swear you just took a trip to the Southwest!

California Loco Burger

Our ‘crazy’ twist on the California burger. One quarter pound of rib eye and a quarter pound of lamb blended together to make a moist burger that says, “Hey, I’m from California.” We top that off with fresh sliced avocado, home made guacamole, and a Guacamole Flavored Avocado sauce. Served on bread.

FunBox Burger

Just like our classic burger with twice the meat and twice the cheese. This FunBox is about to burst.

Sweet Caroline Burger

Just like our FunBox Burger, but with twice the meat and twice the cheese. You’ll be singing “Sweet Caroline!”

‘Five Alarm’ Alarm Burger

This burger is so hot it is sure to set off your ‘five alarm’ alarm! We blend fresh habanera chilies directly into this quarter pound sirloin burger and top it all off with pepper jack cheese, roasted poblano peppers, spicy lettuce, ‘Five Alarm’ Chili, three jalapeño poppers, and chipotle mayonnaise. Kiss your fucking mouth goodbye.

The Problem

The problem wasn't when our dishwasher started sounding like an airplane from World War II.

The problem was when it started fire-bombing Dresden.

Spread the Word 104

In order to bring law and order to Spread the Word, Ketchup and Mustard engage in a debate... for their lives!

Alone in the Dark: A Really, Really Awful Game

Oh no fire! I’d better slowly amble down this hallway.

Hey do you guys remember games that went a little something like this?

>You are in the Vivarium. There is a door to the north.
North

> There is a door to the north.
Go North

>I don’t know how to go that!
Walk north.

>I don’t understand.
Open.

>Open what?

Open door! (Asshole)

>You open the door. You are in a closet. There is a key here. You die of Starvation. THE END.

That’s what playing Alone in the Dark feels like. You know that there’s a fun adventure in there somewhere, but there’s no way in hell you’ll ever find it because you’re too busy slowly walking off a ledge! You know what I mean about slowly walking of a ledge right? I’m talking about those infuriating parts of a game where you stand on a ledge that you’re clearly supposed to jump across. You try to jump, but instead your character stupidly steps off the ledge and whirls around to catch himself at the last moment, climbing up, so you can try it all over again. “Hmm… Maybe if I get a running start… Fall! Whirl! Catch! Climb back up. Shut off console. Write angry game review.”

It’s just the worst game; every single thing you try to do is impeded by poor controls. The building you are in erupts in flames and starts collapsing, but your character seems unperturbed, slowly walking away. “Is there a ‘run’ button that I’m not pushing? Ah there it is! No, no, that’s a ‘slowly jog’ button.” I know what you’re thinking ‘But Funbox don’t you know that unnecessarily slow protagonists stupidly bumbling about are a great way to build tension?” No actually, we didn’t know that.

F+

The Official Blog of the Olympics

Is anyone else disturbed by official Olympic products? At one point they made sense. Atheletic shoes, drinks crammed with electrolytes, snug fitting unitards. These were all things that athletes need so of course there should be one unitard out of all the snug fitting unitards that was the official Olympic unitard. Then McDonald’s got into the act. Well it kinda worked. Athletes have to eat. Nothing helps a person in peak physical condition carbo-load like a food in nugget form. The energy is super compact for faster delivery to the blood stream (i.e. goes straight to the arteries).

But now a day, I am having a hard time justifying why these companies think slapping colored rings on their product will boost sales. Viewership of the Olympics is waning as is, will people really choose what broom to use based on which one is the official sweeping device of the United States Olympic team? Do I need a bail bondsman that inspires global athletic competition? What the Olympics really needs is to strive to uphold the majesty of its storied history, the honor that it is to compete in the Olympic Games. Slapping your logo on toilet cleaners and jams is not a step in the right direction. I’m looking at you Izzy.

Christopher Lowell’s “The Art of War”

A leader leads by example, not by force honey!

Take it from me people; to know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy (that doesn’t mean you have to dress like them though!).

Strategy without tactics is super ultra slow. Tactics without strategy is the noise before the defeat sister!

Make sure to build your opponent a golden bridge to retreat across. I know what you’re thinkig, “Gold!” But trust me, it looks fabulous when it’s done.

He who knows when he can fight and when he can’t will be victorious. Sometimes you just got to let him win one ladies!

All warfare is based on deception. That’s why it’s just like my last relationship! I’m terrible!

I can only tell you this one time girls, victorious warriors win first and then go to war, defeated warriors go to war first and then try to win. It just comes across as little bit desperate.

Like my mother always said, to a surrounded enemy, you must leave a way of escape.

It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, know what you like and don’t like. If you’re favorite color is blue, then you gosh darn better have some blue around. At the end of the day war is all about you!

There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare, honey!

Men love it when you pretend inferiority. It will make him putty in your hand and encourage his arrogance on the battlefield.