Oh, How I miss Old Timey Times

I really wish I lived back during History, because back then war used to be a lot more fun. Nowadays, war's all commercial and about killing people, and just getting oil and stuff. But back during History, war used to be a party. Take the Civil War, for example. If you hopped in a time machine and went there, you'd see flags, banners, and musical instruments. Talk about fanfare! I think even the Shriners were stopped by sometimes. You wouldn't know if you were watching a parade or observing the Battle of Antietam!

The general guy would give a pep talk and he'd be like: "Men, you're fighting for your lives. So you'll need your courage and a trumpet." War was mostly just a big junior varsity football game of honor back then, (during History).

I'm glad our leaders didn't live back during History though, because then I'd be scared to be a musician. What if someone didn't like my band? Well then, they'd probably just say my instruments were intended for war, and declare me a threat to national security. "We've discovered stores of drums, and our experts suspect they've been conducting a coronet-testing program for some time!" Also, they would say that the only kind of "King," B.B. could be was a King of Terror.

Still, it would only be dangerous for some musicians. Only certain instruments seem to be associated with violence: drums, flutes, horns…well basically anything that's percussion and all the wind instruments. Except the obo. Because ain't nobody fuckin' with a man who has an obo.

I wonder if they field tested other instruments back then. Like one day you'd be at your village minding your own business and suddenly Vikings would be ravaging the crap out of your hut while banging on xylophones. Or maybe sometime you'd be caravaning with your silk on the Mongolian plains and then Genghis Kahn would suddenly attack you with his ska band.

Rumor has it that Sun Tszu's, "Art of War," was actually inspired by his love for British trip-hop, but I don't know if that's true. All I know is that's why I really wish I lived back during History.

SUSPENSE!

I was sitting at a table looking at a glass of water that was on the table. I picked it up and took a drink of some of the water that was in the glass. Suddenly the door to the restaurant where I was burst open inwards because some people were pushing on it very hard and trying to open it. They succeeded and came into the restaurant. They had guns! One of the men pointed his gun at me and pulled the trigger. A bullet shot out! Fortunately for me the bullet flew past me and didn’t hit me. He missed!

I lifted up the edge of the table and turned the table over so that if they shot more bullets at me the bullets would hit the table and not hit me. I heard the sound of more bullets hitting the table. It was a good plan to make a shield, but it wouldn’t last for long. Soon the men with guns would come far enough around the table and be able to shoot at me without the table in between us. Who were these men? Why were they trying to kill me? Did it have anything to do with my dark past? These were all questions I didn’t have time to ask myself because at the time I was more worried about not being shot by bullets from guns.

Thoughts on the Big Move...

Ever think that life and work were just too stressful? I did. That's why I recently quit my job and moved in with my girlfriend. Some people may find it odd that my plan to resolve stress was become unemployed and then begin living with a chick I've only known for like six months, but keep in mind, we're in love and she has DirecTV

So lately I'd been going through all my stuff and throwing most of it away. Looking back, it's nice to know I spent the past five years living with what I decided this week was mostly garbage. To be fair though, anything can be justified as garbage when the alternative is having to haul it. "Wait, I either pick this up, take it to a car, take it out of the car, and then figure out a new place of it to go, or I can just put it in this brown plastic bag?" " Bye box of pictures of life changing events in my personal history. Sorry, that's just too much carrying!" Actually it's a good thing I don't have a baby or any caged pets. My new place is on the second floor, and I hate carrying things up steps.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm now living stress free and unemployed with a blonde-haired woman I recently met, and the only possessions I still own are a couple of shirts and a filing cabinet. I wish some of my old pants fit in that cabinet.

INTERNET POSTCARD #3

Zion National Park/Bryce Canyon

There sure are a lot of warning signs in national parks. Why shouldn't you climb out onto the cliffs? “Last year a man fell to his death when he climbed onto an outcropping for a picture.” Is it important to keep drinking water because we're in the dessert? “4 months ago a jogger in the canyon died from heat prostration because he didn't drink enough water.” Why shouldn't you feed the animals? “A five year old child was kicked to death by a deer wen he refused to relinquish his sandwich.” “Later the deer had to be shot.” I'm not embellishing these signs, here's one about flash floods. “Anyone caught in this would quickly be battered to death against the rocks. YOU CANNOT SURVIVE THE TORRENT!”

I think I might be detecting a slight pattern here.

What's funny to me is the arms race between the park service and assholes. “Don't feed the animals.” Wasn't good enough, they had to upgrade to, again not kidding, “Ground squirrels have fleas that may carry bubonic plague” There's also an Orwellian civilian spy program in full swing, “$100 Fine for Feeding Animals- Report Violators”

It's only a matter of time before rangers, disguised as plainclothes chipmunks, approach hikers and beg them for peanuts. I always ask Coyotes, “You're not a cop right? You know you have to tell me if you are?”

Lincoln Vs Time Traveler

Stupid Fairy Tale Legal System

I recently bought a large bag of apples which I keep at work. Lately however, I've begun to suspect that my boss is eating them. I don't want to ask him because my suspicions could be wrong, and after all, they're only apples. I mean it's not like they're made of silver or something.

Yesterday, I was thinking maybe I could just slip a poison apple into the bag and that'd be a good way to find out if he's guilty. Then I realized, when he bit into it, he'd probably just fall asleep and turn into a princess. A handsome prince would come save him and they'd both end up living in a total plush castle.

So poison's out. There's no way I want him scoring a handsome prince outta eating my friggin apples.

INTERNET POSTCARD #2

Las Vegas!

So far we've eaten dinner and attempted to learn '3 card poker' here's a transcript from my first attempt.

Me: I don't know how to play. I hope you'll teach me.

Dealer: Sure! Just put down $10 (She gestures towards 3 rectangles on the table).

Me: Ok!

Dealer: No $10 on each, that's the minimum bet.

Me: 30 Dollars! I don't have that kind of money! Do I look like a chump to you?!

Things went downhill fast after that. (They don't like it when you bring a laptop to the table)

Stay tuned for our next installment titled, 'Here in Nevada we hate the earth, and we have always sought to destroy it, that's part of the reason there's no recycling.'

INTERNET POSTCARD #1

Funbox is going to take a break from it's regularly scheduled Blog (Flossing 101 – Lesson 1: My Mouth is Full of Blood!) Instead we're sending you an Internet postcard from a Recreational Vehicle parked just outside of beautiful Las Vegas Nevada!

As I type this I'm watching my Father figure out how to empty the septic system. I'm not sure how well it's going but my brother just doubled over and ran away.

Yes, with an RV you can have all the comforts of home without the pesky inconveniences of modern sanitation and safety.

Here at the RV park, every motor home has a tiny puddle of water under it that's vaguely unsettling, but we didn't come here for to see the RV park, we came here for the excitement that is Las Vegas (only a 20 minute cab ride away!) Our next Internet postcard will be from inside a Casino!

Salmonella Tomato Source Found

"Man buying Tomatoes"

After an extensive search the U.S. F.D.A has discovered the source for the recent outbreak of Salmonella that has been affecting 16 different states.

"Moments Before Man Bought Tomatoes"

OMG LOL Hillary + Obama '08?

Inside this month's Voter Beat:

Shhhh! Can you keep a secret? Mike Huckabee can’t! He couldn’t wait to spill ALL of his love secrets to Voter Beat! Does Mike believe in love at first sight? What does he look for in a crush? Does his wife approve of his girlfriends? He answers all these burning questions and more in this month’s issue, and he's also signed a tank top for one lucky reader! Can you say Oh My(ike) Huckabee?

Ever wanted a chance to go behind scenes at with John McCain as he speaks at a Disabled American Veteran’s Hall? Look inside! One lucky reader will hit the campaign trail with John, where they’ll “get out the vote,” and get to make hundreds of phone calls every day! Plus John spills secrets about his experience in a Vietnamese POW camp, and tells us why his parents embarrass him! (Even though they’re long dead!)

How bout more cool prizes? Hillary Clinton signed a program from her Augsburg College debate with Barack Obama! Plus, I know you’ve definitely dreamed of being a superdelegate right? Well, then you’ll definitely want to enter our “Be a Superdelegate for a Day,” contest. One lucky reader will get to go to the national party convention of their choice and get the star treatment before they cast their vote for America’s future. Get all the deets on how to win in the magazine!

It’s no secret that Barack Obama is probably the most famous 40-something in Washington D.C. How does he stay grounded? How does he make time for his friends. Does he have any pets? These questions and more answered inside!

Swingtown: A Show about your Parents Fucking

Apparently we're getting all our images from Perez Hilton now.

Hey! You know what would be great? A show starring people that remind you of old pictures of your parents and it’s about them fucking each other! That’s the premise for the terrible new show, Swingtown.

Ostensibly the show is supposed to explore the strange world of the 70’s and its sexual revolution. At first glance this seems like a great premise, until you realize that we are already living in a second, better, sexual revolution. It’s difficult to get a hard-on about Dads wife swapping, when shows like The L Word, and shit, even Sex in the City, are around.

PILOT: The whole show sounds like a rambling anecdote told by your aunt about that “one crazy night” back in the 70’s. That’s how my cousin Eric was conceived!

Susan Miller (Molly Parker) and husband Bruce (Jack Davenport) are moving. Are they moving to an exotic new world?! No. They are moving to a better house a few blocks away. Susan’s good friend and neighbor Janet (Miriam Shor) is pretty broken up about it. Is it because Janet and Susan are secretly lovers?! No. They’re just good friends and Janet’s going to miss her. Where’s the sex?

Meanwhile, troubled teen Samantha (Brittany Robertson) gets on her bike in the pouring rain, loaded down with a backpack. Is she running away from her train wreck of a mother?! No. Her mom asks her to buy more tin foil at the store, and she does. Tin foil, fascinating!

Samantha is squatting in the empty house the millers are moving into. Susan and Bruce come home feeling frisky. Is Samantha going to creepily watch them having sex?! Are the Millers going to catch this teenager spying on them?! No. They’re interrupted when the doorbell rings. Janet and her husband Roger (Josh Hopkins) show up with leftovers from the barbeque! What a twist!

At least the four of them are headed over to Tom and Trina’s (Grant Show and Lana Parrilla) house. Trina gives Susan a Quaalude. Is she going to get all messed up and make a mistake?! No, it just makes her feel good. Tom and Trina ask the Millers if they want to join their foursome (Finally!). Is this going to destroy their marriage?! Is one of them going to be more into it than the other?! No. It just ‘Strengthens their relationship.’ NOTHING HAPPENS! The most interesting thing is a 4-way that happens off screen.

Oh by the way the Miller’s son BJ (Aaron Howles) catches Samantha sneaking back into his room to retrieve a necklace. When he questions her she says, “Mind your own business.” Um Samantha, you’re the one spying, breaking and entering. Their daughter Laurie (Shanna Collins) decides to break up with her dumb boyfriend to pursue her hunky teacher (Michael Rady) he likes Bob Dylan *swoon.* Laurie is reading Kierkegaard for Cirssakes! She hasn’t figured out that she doesn’t like dumb guys yet?

Verdict: No one is hot (Realistic 70’s style makeup and dress = gross). No one is interesting (Why invent new characters when you can rely on flat overused ones like Troubled teen, Dysfunctional Mom, Unsatisfied wife, Intellectual Girl and Crushable teacher). No one is Gay (yet). You can’t see fucking (it’s on CBS). And nothing happens. B-

I’m just kidding F (Please see me!)

Satan's Living Room

So to finally settle all the forum arguments once and for all:

Yes, that was FunBox's very own Will on Fox's Hell's Kitchen last night.

Do you hear that knocking? That's stardom banging on our door. Why don't I just go let him in. Oh look, he brought his best friends fame and fortune too.

"Hey guys, I bet if I complain we'll totally get on TV."

It was a fun night. Gordon was yelling in the kitchen and we weren't getting served. Basically how you would expect service to go in Hell's Kitchen. The less fun part was all the tables around us got food. We were left to sit there and much on bread (very good bread mind you). All about the room were moans of "mmm, this is so good. I've never had _____ this good before." You could hear all our hearts shatter simultaneously when we heard Gordon bellow from the kitchen "Shut it Down!"

We had been there five hours and only had eaten a couple morsels of bread. When the room was clearing out though, we noticed that on the empty table next to ours was sitting a virtually untouched piece of cake. We quickly looked at each other wondering if we dared, but the hunger in our eyes said it all. We reached over and grabbed the cake and hurriedly tore it to shreds carefully avoiding the spot where the previous owner had sampled. Delicious.

The episode can viewed on Hulu. My scene is about 26 minutes in.

Indiana’s Whip and Other Great Films with Unusual Weapons

Indiana Jones has a whip in his new movie, and he uses that whip to fight guns. And oh yeah guys, spoiler alert on this one, the whip totally beats the guns by whipping them out of the bad guy's hands! Here are some other adventure movies and how they make use of unusual or alternative weapons.

Yukon Dave and the Fiefdom of Lost Blimps
In Fiefdom, Yukon faces The Lords of the Underground, all of whom have missiles. Lucky for Davey that he has his trusty belt sander. Final score: Missiles: Zero, Belt Sander: Victorious.

Insomniators
Hopelessly trapped in the land between consciousness and dream, Dan Rothman, must fight the evil that is inside him (as represented by several big snakes who always want to bite him) good thing he has his trusty mace and mobile gallows.

Red Demon: Night Hunter
George Takei defeats the devil using the power of love.

When Harry Met Sally: The Voyage Home
During the third pirate attack, Sally wields a giant pelican’s beak to swallow the Pirate King. Meanwhile, Billy Crystal uses his magic pen to draw things which fall on people’s heads like in the cartoons.