Friday, June 6, 2008

Swingtown: A Show about your Parents Fucking

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Apparently we're getting all our images from Perez Hilton now.

Hey! You know what would be great? A show starring people that remind you of old pictures of your parents and it’s about them fucking each other! That’s the premise for the terrible new show, Swingtown.

Ostensibly the show is supposed to explore the strange world of the 70’s and its sexual revolution. At first glance this seems like a great premise, until you realize that we are already living in a second, better, sexual revolution. It’s difficult to get a hard-on about Dads wife swapping, when shows like The L Word, and shit, even Sex in the City, are around.

PILOT: The whole show sounds like a rambling anecdote told by your aunt about that “one crazy night” back in the 70’s. That’s how my cousin Eric was conceived!

Susan Miller (Molly Parker) and husband Bruce (Jack Davenport) are moving. Are they moving to an exotic new world?! No. They are moving to a better house a few blocks away. Susan’s good friend and neighbor Janet (Miriam Shor) is pretty broken up about it. Is it because Janet and Susan are secretly lovers?! No. They’re just good friends and Janet’s going to miss her. Where’s the sex?

Meanwhile, troubled teen Samantha (Brittany Robertson) gets on her bike in the pouring rain, loaded down with a backpack. Is she running away from her train wreck of a mother?! No. Her mom asks her to buy more tin foil at the store, and she does. Tin foil, fascinating!

Samantha is squatting in the empty house the millers are moving into. Susan and Bruce come home feeling frisky. Is Samantha going to creepily watch them having sex?! Are the Millers going to catch this teenager spying on them?! No. They’re interrupted when the doorbell rings. Janet and her husband Roger (Josh Hopkins) show up with leftovers from the barbeque! What a twist!

At least the four of them are headed over to Tom and Trina’s (Grant Show and Lana Parrilla) house. Trina gives Susan a Quaalude. Is she going to get all messed up and make a mistake?! No, it just makes her feel good. Tom and Trina ask the Millers if they want to join their foursome (Finally!). Is this going to destroy their marriage?! Is one of them going to be more into it than the other?! No. It just ‘Strengthens their relationship.’ NOTHING HAPPENS! The most interesting thing is a 4-way that happens off screen.

Oh by the way the Miller’s son BJ (Aaron Howles) catches Samantha sneaking back into his room to retrieve a necklace. When he questions her she says, “Mind your own business.” Um Samantha, you’re the one spying, breaking and entering. Their daughter Laurie (Shanna Collins) decides to break up with her dumb boyfriend to pursue her hunky teacher (Michael Rady) he likes Bob Dylan *swoon.* Laurie is reading Kierkegaard for Cirssakes! She hasn’t figured out that she doesn’t like dumb guys yet?

Verdict: No one is hot (Realistic 70’s style makeup and dress = gross). No one is interesting (Why invent new characters when you can rely on flat overused ones like Troubled teen, Dysfunctional Mom, Unsatisfied wife, Intellectual Girl and Crushable teacher). No one is Gay (yet). You can’t see fucking (it’s on CBS). And nothing happens. B-

I’m just kidding F (Please see me!)

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