Oh, How I miss Old Timey Times

I really wish I lived back during History, because back then war used to be a lot more fun. Nowadays, war's all commercial and about killing people, and just getting oil and stuff. But back during History, war used to be a party. Take the Civil War, for example. If you hopped in a time machine and went there, you'd see flags, banners, and musical instruments. Talk about fanfare! I think even the Shriners were stopped by sometimes. You wouldn't know if you were watching a parade or observing the Battle of Antietam!

The general guy would give a pep talk and he'd be like: "Men, you're fighting for your lives. So you'll need your courage and a trumpet." War was mostly just a big junior varsity football game of honor back then, (during History).

I'm glad our leaders didn't live back during History though, because then I'd be scared to be a musician. What if someone didn't like my band? Well then, they'd probably just say my instruments were intended for war, and declare me a threat to national security. "We've discovered stores of drums, and our experts suspect they've been conducting a coronet-testing program for some time!" Also, they would say that the only kind of "King," B.B. could be was a King of Terror.

Still, it would only be dangerous for some musicians. Only certain instruments seem to be associated with violence: drums, flutes, horns…well basically anything that's percussion and all the wind instruments. Except the obo. Because ain't nobody fuckin' with a man who has an obo.

I wonder if they field tested other instruments back then. Like one day you'd be at your village minding your own business and suddenly Vikings would be ravaging the crap out of your hut while banging on xylophones. Or maybe sometime you'd be caravaning with your silk on the Mongolian plains and then Genghis Kahn would suddenly attack you with his ska band.

Rumor has it that Sun Tszu's, "Art of War," was actually inspired by his love for British trip-hop, but I don't know if that's true. All I know is that's why I really wish I lived back during History.