My Debates With Creationists Would Go Better If They Didn’t Lie So Much

My debates with creationists always go better in my head than in real life. Does this happen to anyone else? I always feel like, “How could I lose? Not only are the creationists super wrong, they’re completely ridiculous!” Well, it helps if they don’t need to tell the truth. “Did you hear about the Dinosaur footprints with human footprints next to them? How do you explain that?” Let me give you an example of what I mean.

In High School I went to a very fundamentalist church. I remember we watched a creationist documentary where the interviewers had somehow gotten Richard Dawkins to talk to them. They asked something like “Can you give even one example of a case where a mutation has added information to a genome and not subtracted it?” Richard Dawkins looked stumped and shocked. Ka-boom! Take that Richard Dawkins!

Wow, did that documentary take him down a peg or what? Nailed him! God-1 Atheists-0!

Now even though I was rooting for God at the time I also happened to believe in evolution (It wasn’t my fault, I went to a good High school). I could think of lots of examples where information had been added to a genome. I started to say something about polyploidy where organisms have extra copies of the same chromosome. Doesn’t that seem like a pretty good example adding information? “Well yeah,” The creationists said, “but that’s just copying information that already exists, it’s not new information.”

I imagined myself rebutting this with “You’ve already granted that mutations exist, you even grant that some mutations are beneficial. Clearly, if there are 2 copies of the same gene on separate chromosomes and one of them mutates, that’s an example of new information right?”

But you know I never got that far. It was all “Look, not even Richard Dawkins could think of an example and he’s the High Priest of evolution.” I didn’t know who Richard Dawkins was at the time but clearly, if he can’t think of an example then no examples exist, right? I never got to make my neat argument about how strawberries are Octaploid (8 copies of the same chromosome and delicious!). Nope, none of that mattered because who was I? Just some Kid. I wasn’t a renowned scientist, so obviously I was wronger than Richard Dawkins, and he was wronger than the creationists. That made me the wrongest! There was no other explanation.

Years later, after I had decided that religion was all bullshit, I read Richard Dawkins’ book A Devil’s Chaplin. In the book he tells a story about how some Australian filmmakers came to his house and asked if they could do an interview. He agreed and as they were interviewing him they asked a question that only a creationist would ask, about adding information to the genome. Richard Dawkins stopped the interview and told them to leave and was angry at having been duped but they begged and pleaded, “We’ve come all the way from Australia to interview you.” He eventually let them continue.

Now maybe that’s why he looked so stumped and befuddled before. Maybe not, maybe Dawkins was just trying to cover his ass and it’s all a big conspiracy. It doesn’t really

matter. Who cares whether Dawkins is right or wrong, the theory is correct, and there are tons of examples to prove it.

This is why I always win my imaginary debates with creationists and seem to lose my real life ones. They aren’t allowed to lie in my imagination.

If you have a story to tell about a debate with a Creationist, or an "evolutionist" please share.

UltraWater: Slam Your Thirst!

From the makers of HydroRush and Juicequake, comes the ultimate water experience. Introducing UltraWater, hydration has never been like this. You need water, but does water have everything you need? The answer isno to the max. UltraWater takes natural refreshment and adds enough science to kick mother nature into high gear. We start by mining the purest ice crystals from the Glystock Glacier and melting these over a live Volcano (volcano is one of the cleanest burning fuels). This results in a water that is so chemically pure and nutrient rich that the National Water Board has given it its highest rating, 3 stars. From here we add over 72 different vitamins and a 140 minerals that are essential to living in a modern urban world. This results in the heaviest water commercially available. Thirst quenching will be as much of an exercise as your work out. Put out your inner fires while burning serious calories. For the finishing touch that turns water into UltraWater we mix in the fresh essence of Mango, Tangelos, and Persimmons. Every bottle of UltraWater contains 72 percent real fruit juice flavors. The rest is up to you. Fist some UltraWater and slam it in you today!

NASA LAUNCH GONE WRONG

Man has always dreamed of traveling to the stars, but will we ever be able to overcome our own frailties... in SPACE?

Taco Tuesdays With Morrie

By: FunBox

Maybe it was a grandparent, or a teacher, or a swarthy immigrant boy with a taste for guacamole. Someone with chipotle, carne asada, and who understood your need for a traditional Mexican dish composed of a rolled, folded, pliable maize tortilla filled with an edible substance. When you were young and searching, someone helped you see the world as a more ideal place, a place where the perfectly burnt edge cheese of a quesadilla could mean everything.

For FunBox, that person was Morrie Al Pastor, FunBox’s amigo from nearly twenty years ago. Maybe, like FunBox, you lost track of this amigo as you made your way. Maybe you forgot them as hamburgers, barbeque, and chicken ceaser salads crossed your pallet and the tastes of Oaxaca style and Pico de Gallo tastes faded making your world seem colder…less delicious. Wouldn't you like to see that person again, for one last muy bueno Mexican Fiesta?

FunBox had that second chance when they rediscovered Morrie before the Homeland Security did. Knowing he was soon to be gone, Morrie visited with FunBox at Panchero’s on South University Street every Taco Tuesday, just as they used to back in college. They rekindled a relationship as sweet as the tamarind sodas they imbibed. Taco Tuesdays with Morrie is not only a mouth-watering history of their meals together, but food for the heart, as FunBox shares tales of sliced red radishes, limes, salt, pickled chilies, and grilled cambray onions. Taco Tuesdays With Morrie can be folded over and pinched into a U-shape for convenient consumption, and is now available in paperback.

Diary of a Space Captian

The following is an excerpt from the log of Captain Lars McFenris, the first human to visit Jupiter and its moons in the year 2075.

Read of his daring exploits!

April 21^st 2073

Space Journal Entry,

Just passed the mars orbit today! Only 24 more months till we reach Jupiter!

Crew in high spirits.

August 15^th 2073

Space Journal Entry,

Helmsman Tokomoro got anomalous blip on Radar. Our first blip (anomalous or otherwise) in over 9 months. Said he was sure it was manufactured, we should alter course to investigate. Crew very exited, already wearing space suits. If we alter course would be at least 3 days till we approached blip. Telescopic observations revealed that it was debris from a survey probe approximately 3 Cm in length. Did not alter course.

Crew grouchy.

August 17^th 2073

Space Journal Entry,

Awoke with a start, and Alarms blaring. Someone had fired Port Particle Beam Cannon. Blip destroyed. Called crew into my quarters and asked guilty party to step forward. Informed crew that I wasn’t mad, just wanted to know who did it.

Sgt. Morphy will be confined to quarters.

Crew in less than high spirits.

December 24 2073

Space Journal Entry,

Christmas today. No one got me anything.

Crew in less than high Christmas spirits.

January 12^th 2074

Space Journal Entry,

Navigator Johnston has come down with serious illness! Is confined to sickbay. Dr. Salvo is at a total loss, thinks it may be some form of space born illness. Crew very exited, wearing hazard suits. Ordered detailed reports on his condition delivered to my quarters every hour.

Crew in state of anxious readiness.

January 13^th 2074

Space Journal Entry,

It was Mumps. He’ll be fine. Lt. Dewit thinks he must still also have ‘Space Fever’ wants to tie Johnston to outside of ship “Just to make sure.”

Dewit is confined to quarters.

Morale low.

March 20^th 2024

Space Journal Entry,

I’ve put everyone on Anti-suicide pills. Have constructed “Outer-Space-Alien-Ghost Outfit” plan to wake up and scare Sgt. Morphy tonight after lights out.

Crew exited about rumors of Outer-Space-Alien-Ghost.

Classic Literature Video Games

With more and more video games based on Movies coming out everyday, FunBox is ready to predict the next big trend, video games based on classic literature.

Wuthering Heights: Heathcliff’s Revenege – In this exciting retelling of the Bronte Classic, you take on the roll of a space marine recently returned home to Earth. Your parents died under mysterious circumstances and have left you, Wuthering Heights. It seems though there is more to this Yorkshire manor on the moors than meets the eyes and your young curvaceous fiancé Cathrine is kidnapped. You will have to use all your space marine training to vanquish the evil ghost of Heathcliff and the unspeakable horrors of 1847 England!

Huckleberry Finn’s Xtreme Rafting – Huckleberry Finn will do anything to get away from the severe beatings of his abusive father Pap, even challenge everyone to a wild Raft Race! Face off against Widow Douglas, Miss Watson, Tom Sawyer, Jim, Uncle Silas, Aunt Sally, Duke, King, and more as you paddle down the white knuckle rapids of the mighty Mississippi. If the twists and turns of the river weren’t enough, you will have to keep a look out for pirates, robbers, and racism. Growing up has never been this fun or this wet!

To Kill a Mockingbird: Furor Excessum – The town of Maycomb, Alabama found itself the center of controversy in 1930’s and now you can be a part of it with this ground breaking massively multiplayer online role playing game. Finally players will have a chance to experience social injustice any way they want. Help Atticus Finch win the trial of his life and help Boo Radley start his life anew all while avoiding rabid dogs and the Klan. The open world design of this sleepy small town provide hours of game play. Features include an in depth character class system with jobs like sheriff, clerk, teacher, and shut in, each with their own move set. An inventory system to rival the Sears catalog with its choices ranging from all cotton shirts to seersucker suits. Plus, a robust clan system so that teaming up with your friends is as easy as eating a slice of Calpurnia’s world famous pie.

Bible Themed Restaurant Price List

John the Breakfast.................................................$8

Forbidden Fruit Salad............................................$4

Garden of Eatin' (salad bar)..................................$6

Crown of Thorn Apple Valley Sausage.................$2

Pontius Pie...............................................................$3

BethleHam n' Cheese Sandwich...........................$5

Mary Margarine (or butter) by request

Your Mama’s not America’s Next Top Dance Crew!

Is it just me or are the Moms on ‘Your Mama’s not America’s Next Top Dance Crew’ just doing worse and worse each week? I mean look at last week’s episode.

Donny Walberg: Alright let’s see what the Judges thought of that last performance.

Big Sis’: Alright, that was tight! Trip-Lip I thought your moves were off the hook.

Justin Jeffre: Tone Ride, your choreography is sick, You're the sickest dancer I’ve ever seen!

Huge audience applause

Donny Walberg: Alright, and what did you guys think of Nancy?

Close up on Nancy, a 53 year old housewife, she is out of breath and clearly in pain.

Maxwell Sheffield: Nancy, you have to understand that this late in the competition we can’t have second rate performances like that. I mean you were supposed to incorporate a back flip into your dance, I didn’t even see one back flip.

Nancy: I can’t do one. I told you, I’ve had knee surgery.

Big Sis’: Nancy, I have to ask you. Do you even want to be here? I mean look around you, you are the last Mom in this competition. If you want to represent for the Moms then you have to step it up. All the other Moms have gone home!

Nancy: Well… that’s because they weren’t 23 year old professional break-dancers. I’m not sure how we were ever supposed to win.

Maxwell Sheffield: See that’s what I’m talking about. A big part of the problem is that bad attitude.

Nancy: Can I go now, please?

I mean come on! I think the show should be called Suck it up (Nancy) and DANCE! I think I’m going to vote for Trip-Lip.

Hey There Bongo - The Beach

First installment of our brand new web comic "Hey There Bongo!"

Did you Know Einstein was (Insert your religion here)?

When I was younger my Dad gave me some advice that has served me well over the years. He said, “If you need to convince people of something, make your point but then say that it’s a quote from Thomas Jefferson, and people will believe you.” Here’s a good example of what I think he means:

“If ever you should need to convince people of something, simply pretend that your ideas are one and the same as someone of great import, and people will believe you”
-Thomas Jefferson

See even the great Thomas Jefferson agrees with me!

People have started to catch onto the Thomas Jefferson thing though; nowadays you’re much better off quoting Einstein! For example did you know that Einstein shared your particular set of religious beliefs? It’s true! Whatever you happen to believe about God or the afterlife you can find a quote from Einstein supporting it!

The fact that Einstein is perhaps one of the most misquoted people of the 20th century shouldn’t slow you down. For example did you know Einstein was a Buddhist?

"Only Buddhism is compatible with science. It covers the smallest particles to the largest creations of the cosmos. It is the only religion capable of scientific truth."
-Einstein

Or that he didn’t approve of gambling?

“God doesn’t play dice."
-Einstein

It’s also important to note that Einstein found no conflict between Science and religion:

“Other great thinkers, however, including the physicist Albert Einstein, have found no conflict between the varying teachings of science and religion; but consider divinity and the natural universe to be one and the same.”
- Einstein

It doesn’t really matter what Einstein actually said or did as long as it comforts you to think that one of the greatest minds of our time was a Hindu, or that he was a big fan of Homeopathy. The best part is that you can probably win arguments and convince people to come to your next church/temple/whatever service, because the fact that Einstein was a great physicist also automatically makes him great in all other realms of thought! Almost no one ever bothers to check to see which quotes are real and which ones are misrepresented.

If you really have the time, you should make up a long story where some sassy student (who turns out to be Einstein) totally blows their teacher out of the water with flawless but weird logic and wins an argument proving that God exists. You could submit that shit to Chicken soup for the soul!

This will impress anyone who doesn’t know that Einstein was an atheist, or at least a skeptical agnostic (Just like me!).

“People are always misquoting me to support their religious beliefs; it's annoying because I am an Atheist, like the members of Funbox!"
-Einstein

FunBox interviews Kiefer Sutherland

FunBox: It's great to have you here Kiefer. How are you?

Kiefer: I’ve killed two people since midnight and I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now.

FunBox: About that, um…some people are saying you've become so involved with the character you play that the two of you have become virtually indistinguishable. What do you tell those who ask about this?

Kiefer: I'm federal agent Jack Bauer and today is the longest day of my life.

FunBox: Yeah, we’re sorry about the half-hour wait setting up for your interview.

Kiefer: I used to be in the military, used to do field work for the CIA. I've been to some horrible places. I've seen some pretty terrible things. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my whole life.

FunBox: Don't worry. Just relax, speak clearly, and if you don't mind, it might be nice to invite people to check out our website.

Kiefer: You have no idea how far I'm willing to go to acquire your cooperation. It'll just be a question of how much you want it to hurt…

FunBox: Um…maybe it’s actually better if you don’t help us with advertising.

Kiefer: …you probably don't think that I can force this towel down your throat. But trust me, I can. All the way. Except I'd hold onto this one little bit at the end. When your stomach starts to digest it, I pull it out, taking your stomach lining with it. For most people it would take about a week to die. It's very painful…

FunBox: Seriously, you can stop in fact, we’re about finished. Thanks Kiefer, Jack, whoever you are. We appreciate your time.

Kiefer: You're a good liar. But I've seen better.

FunBox: Well either way, this interview's certainly been entertaining and we'd love to have you back.

Kiefer: Part of getting a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place.

FunBox: Great then. Well, we'll see you later.

Kiefer: See you in hell.

Compliments from your Boyfriend the Serial Killer

"Your kisses burn my flesh like the tears of angel."

"When I become you, I will not be able to do your beauty justice."

"One of the voices in my head has the same cute laugh as you."

"Shhh, dear. I don’t think you need to lose weight. Plus this way I’ll be able to make a vest."

"Wow, your perfume smells exactly like the inside of a guys face."

"Not even death can stop the way I feel about you."

"You are so still when you sleep. So still…"

"I can’t stand the thought of something as perfect as you living in a world like this."

"You will be the one that I am remembered in history for."

"When we make love the screaming stops."

Spring Means Baseball...

And baseball means fantasy baseball...

Here's FunBox's 2008 fantasy baseball team, Complete with defensive alignments: