Make Yourself Sexy

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon (or President’s Day for you atheists out there), and as such, the question on everyone’s mind should be how do I make myself sexier? Here are five simple things to do that will drive your partner wild with passion this Valentine’s Day (President’s Day).

1. Show them your genitals. Nothing gets people in the mood faster than seeing genitals. To make this even more special, try covering them with a sheet or towel and then after a little while removing the sheet or towel.

2. Grab yourself. Grabbing parts of your body is a great way to show your lover where you want to be touched. While holding a handful of yourself try saying something sexy like, “You want this don’t you?” This can be changed up by grabbing parts of your partner’s body and yelling, “This is mine!”

3. Tell them you are sexy. Make sure the person you are with knows how sexy and confident you are by telling them. Whisper into their ear, “I am so sexy.” This will get them thinking about how sexy you are.

4. Stretch it out. There are sexy parts of your body that you probably never think of. Use this Valentine’s Day (President’s Day) to show them off. Lay down on a bed and spread yourself out as much as possible. Call your lover in and watch their eyes light up as they view this all new you.

5. Clothespins and Rubber Bands. Each year that goes by makes us another year older. We all could use a little help when it comes to aging. Fix problem spots in a jiffy by using clothespins and rubber bands to hold back excess flesh. Soon you’ll look as young and tight as the day your significant other met you. Maybe tighter!

Billboard's Top 10 Animal Rap Singles

Gosh 2001's music scene sure was a zoo!

FunBox recalls it fondly:

The Stars and Bars

The other day I saw a truck with a “God bless America bumper sticker” next to the Ol' Stars and Bars (the Confederate Flag) and I have to say it struck me a s a bit of an incongruity. “Hey what's the best country in the world? USA!... Hey, remember that time we almost stopped the USA from existing? That was great, we came so close!”

I'm sure we've all seen the Huckabee quote “We tell them 'you're going to tell us what to do with our flag? We'll tell you what to do with the pole.” Our flag? Our flag Huckabee?! Apparently Huckabee is still a confederate. Now I don't want this to come off as a standard Liberal screed against The South, I want this to come off as standard liberal screed about the confederate flag. I can already hear my southern friends “It's not about slavery, it's about State's rights.” Hmm... State's rights to do what exactly? To own fucking SLAVES that's what! Do you really think these people give a shit about federalism, or the supremacy clause? Whew.. got a little heated there... Ok.. ok...

Ok, let's see if I understand your position, guy who flies the Confederate flag, and please correct me if I'm wrong. You feel marginalized (and rightly so, the standard depiction of a white southerner is of an uneducated, racist, hayseed). You want something about The South that you can be proud of. What was something The South, and just The South, did particularly well? Kicking ass that's what! The Civil War! Of course! The South had fewer men and fewer resources, yet in battle after battle they managed to often route the superior numbers of the North. Ok? Do I grasp the gist of your position? You fought well? Southerners aren't Pussies; is that what you're saying? See if you can grasp the gist of my position. Do you see how maybe, oh I don't know, say black people for example, might be a little offended about a flag that represented keeping them as property? Do you see how, just maybe, Non-Southern Americans might be a bit peeved to think that you are still rooting for the violent overthrow of the Federal Govenrment? Can you agree that perhaps, just perhaps, It might offend Northerners to think that in your heart of hearts you wish you could have a DO-OVER OF THE BLOODIEST WAR IN AMERICAN HISTORY? Or do you still want to tell me where I can stick the pole?

How to Look Good Naked at Others Expense

I watched two episodes of Lifetimes new series How to Look Good Naked (and like most interesting shows on television, it is a remake of a British show similarly titled). As far as make over shows, its definitely a step in the right direction. The basic idea is the fabulously funny and flamboyant Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye fame) helps pretty curvaceous woman feel confident in their bodies when society tells them they shouldn’t be. Note that I mentioned pretty woman. So far in the series all the woman have had very pretty faces. Heavy or Skinny there isn’t much you can do if your visage looks like it was shaped with a box cutter.

The show starts with Carson putting a giant headless photo of the woman sporting only undies up on the side of a building and asking passerby’s what they think of her. The answers range from “Hot!” to “That’s what a real woman looks like!” In one episode, the woman being taught to look good naked points out the fact that the show probably edited out the hurtful comments, but the fact remains a lot of people did say nice things about her. It is also definitely true that these woman do reflect more average ideals of women's sensuality then the models and porn stars that are on constant display from normal media (Yes. I subject myself to a constant display of porn stars.) That’s really the best part of this show. It’s o.k. not to be rail thin. It’s o.k to have arms that wiggle a little when you wave. It’s more than o.k. It’s normal.

The show then buys the woman new bras. Apparently the biggest problem for woman today is that everyone of them is wearing the wrong bra. I got to admit it did help them a lot. Some weird bulges and ripples that were happening before disappeared with a size increase. Did you know that the strap is only supposed to support ten percent of a boob's weight? Well, its some number like that. Anyway my point is I’ll be glad to support the rest of it for you. Am I right fellas?

Sorry. I’m reviewing a Lifetime show. I’m allowed one guy moment. Back to business.

New clothes, make up, and hair, and the lady is ready for her fashion shoot. What’s that Carson? You want her to do it naked!?! Shut your fucking mouth! What? She’ll only be naked in the sense that she won’t be wearing anything underneath the fabric that covers the naughty bits, just like clothing would? Oh, o.k. then. So far in the two episodes I’ve seen the “naked” photo shoots had a woman lying on a bed with sheets, and a woman sitting on a chair covered in sheets. I just wonder how many different ways the show will be able to think of to make them tastefully not naked. I’m calling it here folks, beach shoot holding beach balls. Oh yeah, what about the crotch…hmm... a seagull flyin by?

Now to get to my major complaint. The program is about showing women to accept their bodies the way they are because you don’t have to look like a model to be sexy. To help do this they line up 6 other women in order of waist size (also wearing just undies). The main woman has to examine them and place herself in the line. She always places herself at the larger end of the scale. This is when Carson tells her that she is way wrong and should be all the way at smaller end! The woman looks stunned and smiles happily in her new place. She wasn’t as fat as she thought she was and hence can feel good about herself. Wait a minute. What about the woman who is at the end of the line? Should she feel bad about herself because she isn’t as small as the other woman? Will she need her own show where even larger woman are made to stand in line for her? For such a great show this one part seems a major oversight. The only reason why being smaller makes the woman feel better is because of the notion that skinnier is better which is exactly what the rest of the half hour tries to put an end to. I mean, add a couple more women to the smaller side of the line and we have poor self esteem all over again.

But in the end the show accomplishes what it sets out to do, and the women they make over are more confident and for once, happy with themselves the way the are. Confident enough in fact, to ask people staring at a giant nudesque photo of themselves “Do I look good naked.” To which I would answer "I wouldn't know. You are wearing a sheet in the picture. Do you have something where I can see your crotch. Perhaps while you are making eye contact with the camera."

Missed Connections- Day after Cloverfield

How Come There Aren't Any More Shakespeare Plays?

Seriously, how come? I mean everyone seems to like them (or at least pretend to). It seems like the high school puts on another production of Macbeth every few years so there's clearly a market. Here, I'll even do the hard part and sketch out an outline for you.

Two Gentlemen of Athens, Named Timon and Andronicus

sometimes abbreviated as Two Gentlemen of Athens
A comedie in 5 acts

Act 1
The play opens in Rome. There are riots in the streets, Timon tries to convince his cousin Andronicus, who has just learned by letter that his son has died, to come with him to Athens. Andronicus at first refuses, but later relents and decides to leave Rome. Andronicus delivers his famous “I have just learned, by letter, that my son is dead” speech.

Act 2
As the two head out of Rome, Timon meets his old friend, The Fool Cardino, Cardino is grieved to learn, by letter, that his daughter, Cardina, has died. Cardino and Timon plot to kill Andronicus.

Act 3
Andronicus writes a letter to his brother Cinna back in Rome and gives it to Cardino to deliver. Cardino replaces it with one of his own, informing Cinna that Andronicus is dead, and delivers the letter to Cinna. Horrified by this news, Cinna declares war on Athens. Meanwhile, Andronicus has a dream wherein he learns of Cardino's plot to kill him. Andronicus tries to convince Timon to return with him to Athens. Andronicus tells Timon that he has received a letter informing him that his daughter, Brysius is planning to wed, and that he has forgotten his hat. Timon delivers his famous “I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a hat” speech.

Act 4
While on the road back to find the two gentlemen Cardino is ambushed by robbers. He delivers his famous “I've been stabbed multiple times, but I'm still making jokes about it” speech, and dies. The robbers compose a letter informing Andronicus that Cardino is dead. Cardino's daughter, Cardina (not dead after all), and Brysius each compose letters to their respective lovers, but the servant Borilus' mis-delivers them and they fall in love with each other instead. Cardina decides to pretend to be a man to spare Brysius's feelings, and delivers her “How hard it is to feign to be a man when you are, in fact, a woman” speech.

Act 5
Andronicus, thinking that Timon is actually Cardino, stabs and kills him. He is filled with remorse. We learn that Brysius was actually a man pretending to be a woman, and mad. The play ends with the happy wedding of Brysius and Cardina at Timon's funeral.

As you can see this play, with it's themes of love, betrayal, political upheaval, madness, violence, family and letters is still relevant today. Now all thou has't to do is write the Dialog!

Live to Regret ep. 5

click to enlarge

Easy Listening The Vote: A Brief History

Easy Listening the Vote is a not for profit, non-partisan organization, founded in 1998 as a way to encourage participation in the political process among young people between the ages of 35 and 75. Easy Listening the Vote's mission is foster political awareness through use of The Beautiful Music, and artists such as Les Baxter, Gordon Lightfoot, and Dan Fogelberg.

1998: Easy Listening the Vote forms in response to the passage of SB 1455, a Senate Bill instituting a three day waiting period before citizens are able to purchase various light of tone instruments such as the lush strings and the Hammond Organ.

2000: Easy Listening the Vote registers over 435,000 new voters, and is credited with a inspiring a 20% increase in youth turnout among voters aged 35 to 75.

2001: Easy Listening the Vote creats and distributs over one million free copies of "Easy Listen the System: A Guide to Health Care for Young Americans Aged 35 to 75," a pamphlet on health issues affecting young people in the second and third quart century of their lives.

2004: Easy Listening the Vote takes to sea in the Mix 93 "Vote or Boat," schooner, and registers over 10,000 voters, many of whom are fishing or taking part in yacht racing.

2008: Politicians vie for invites to Easy Listening's November "The Soft Sounds of Election," concert, where Engelbert Humperdinck, Harry Connick Jr., and Barry Manilow are scheduled to appear.

Sauron's Blog

2^nd Age 3441 – ARG! Major setback today! Ring was cut from hand by Isildur! Now I can't take physical form until I get it back. :(

Sigh, I remember the days when I could change my form at will. Turning into a giant wolf would be useful right about now. Now I have to be an “unformed spirit”(lame)... Maybe a giant eye? Tomorrow remember to get started on finding that ring.

3^rd age 2463 – Invaded Moria today! Take that Dwarves! Waking up a Balrog was a stroke of genius!

To do:

1. Find that F'ing Ring!(IMPORTANT)

2. Enslave peoples of Middle Earth.

3. Enslave everything else.

4. Rape Tom Bombadil.

3^rd age 2464 – Sick of dealing with Orcs! Every time I turn my back they kill each other. The other day I lost a whole Regiment when they started fighting over meat!
Note to self: Order more meat for troops.
Nazgul are reliable but they're boring, it's all “We shall cover the land in a second darkness my Lord!” and “What does the Eye Command?” I miss Melkor. Also, the very hills have been screaming (and all I did was torture them!)

3^rd age 2570 - Found a neat Giant Spider (Shelob), I've been feeding it Orcs! Where is that Damn Ring?

January 15^th 3019 – Lost a Balrog today, but on the plus side, I think I killed Mithrandir or “Gandalf” as he's calling himself now.

BTW I think Hobbits have the ring. What the Fuck is a Hobbit?

January 16^th: Looked it up, they're like little men! Should get to work on a ring of power to control them. Let's see that would make 3 for elves, 7 for Dwarves, 9 for men, and that should be... 23 for Hobbits. Hmm, poem sounds less ominous now. In meantime, remember to enslave Hobbiton. War to eradicate men is going well!

March 1^st – WHAAAT! Gandalf the White?! He leveled up?! Bullshit! And what happened to the Balrog?! I thought those Fuckers could fly!

Oooh Brainstorm: Flying Nazgul! Brilliant!

March 25^th – There it is! Finally! Oh and it's right here at Mount Doom, that's convenient. Why would Gandalf send them there? I mean the only thing Mount Doom is good for is making rings of power. All they can do is destroy the ring there, not use it to enslave people. Although I guess if they destroyed the ring that would kill me. Oh SHIT!

MoBloU - The Park

FunBox continues to march forward with the times and in an effort to stay relevant we have just set up our first mobile blog unit or MoBloU. Today’s first trial:

The Park –

10:30am – Find open bench at the park and set up the MoBloU. Digging the hole was easy, but I wish the concrete moorings would dry faster. Will have to look into further back at FunBox headquarters.

11:00am - Trees. There sure are a lot of them. I never notice trees until its too late.

11:30am – See like that tree. I swear it wasn’t there a half hour ago. What is that? Oak?

12:00pm- Lunch. I brought a thermos full of split pea soup. It smells really good. Don’t just take my word for it. I’ll ask the next passing jogger to verify.

12:07pm – He says it smells good. I like a thicker pea soup. None of that watery soup for me.

12:30pm – Where did that Oak tree go?

1:00pm – Found it.

3: 27pm- Turns out Soup and Sunshine is a recipe for sleep. I’ll have to stay more diligent. I apologize to everyone for the lapse. I have let you and myself down.

3:30pm – Test out the MoBloU personal evacuation system (MoBloU P.E.S). It works perfectly, but apparently it still counts as public urination even when your junk is completely covered by a hose. Who does this Officer think he is? King of the park? More like king of the jerks!

3:56pm – I have moved to a new location. (Man those moorings take a while to dry) Apparently the MoBloU has a very easy read to screen and Police Officer FunBox Hater made me move and refill the hole. Hey man, I thought this was a public park! I will have to look into a privacy screen for the MoBloU, because there is no way FunBox will censor itself! I might also look into a better privacy screen for the MoBloU P.E.S.

4:00pm – I heard two people talking about the tree, turns out I was right. It is an oak. This location is turning out better than the first anyway, so screw you Officer No Peeing Allowed.

4:14pm – Holy Crap you guys! This is it! What the MoBloU was made for. This guy just ran up to this woman and grabbed her purse. A crime, captured live, through the power of Blogging!

4:15pm – Damn it. That Cop caught him in like two seconds. At least chase the crook around for a little bit. Plus he's getting all the thanks. Oh what? My capturing the moment for all of history isn’t worth anything?

4:30pm – Finish rest of soup for an afternoon snack.

5:00pm – Call the first official MoBloU to an end. Chalk another point up to science… and to FunBox!

Did You Know...?

Did you know that during mating season, male pyramids emit pheromones and swell at their points to indicate sexual prowess?

Find that and other facts in the new (and now weekly) updates at:

http://www.funboxcomedy.com

This week: Hackbot comments on the election, Box of Knowledge dishes about pyramids, and Dr. Funboxberg explores the ethical issues behind selling fake ID's.

Super Mansion Wish List

With the Internet these days, it’s a safe bet we’re all soon be super rich. Why? Because the Internet creates wealth without us having to worry about things like the economy. That’s why it’s important to all of us to start planning what will be in our super mansions. Below is the FunBox list. What is yours?

FunBox Super Mansion Needs List
(may also serve as FunBox's Birthday Wish List)

Trampoline Room – The floor is made entirely of trampoline. Good for moon walk simulations, children’s birthday parties, and courting Romanian gymnast neighbors.

Tunnel System – Mainly a safety precaution. Useful in staging a guerilla campaign should the super mansion’s security be compromised.

Room For Pillow Choosing – 47 different varieties of pillows, many Swedish and so comfortable as to be illegal in the States.

Laser Gun - Cause we don't believe in regular guns.

Sharkquarium – Giant and steel-reinforced. Shaped like a goldfish bowl for kitsch reasons.

Urinal Room - Pee on anything you like without the guilt. Sorry ladies, dudes only!

Blimp Garage – We may be rich but there’s nothing more annoying than paying local blimp parking fees.

Mountainous Terrain – Self-explanatory.

Ice Cream Room – Fully refrigerated room, filled entirely with ice cream “snow”. Guests wear clean suits like those ones those multi-colored dance-y guys had in the old Intel commercials, upon entrance they can use their favorite flavors to make an ice cream man, ice cream angels, or simply have an ice cream fight. Remember not to pack your ice cream balls with toffee or peanuts though: you’ll put an eye out.

Pre-Installed Time Travel Conduits - So we don't have to go through installation when the technology is developed.

The Ultimate Weapon

I remember I was playing Risk with a girl who had never played before and we were talking about alliances.

“It's pretty simple,” my friend Jake was explaining, “let's say you and I both know that Chris is going to win unless we work together, we agree not to attack one another for the next two turns so that we keep him from winning.”

Then she asked a simple question, a question that on the face of it seemed perfectly innocent, but it would in fact destroy our entire concept of reality, “What happens if I don't? I mean what if I say I won't attack you, but then I do anyway? And take your cards? What happens then?”

For a few moments there was silence. None of us had ever dreampt such a thing was possible. It was as if, while we were fighting each other each trying to see how we could take over Australia, her secret team of scientists had invented Plutonium. “I- I- guess nothing... I mean there's nothing in the rules.” I tried to chime in, for I had a vision of the horror that was to come “It's kind of unsportsmanlike... I mean we probably won't want to play Risk with you again.”

She was unmoved “Oooh, you mean you won't make me play this boring-three-hour-long-game with you guys again?! Ooooh nooo what a tragedy- I'm attacking Siam.”

And just like that, the first treaty was broken. The face of warfare was forever altered (in Risk) all our old strategies were obsolete (in Risk) and the valor of the glory days was lost to the pages of history (in Risk).

Long story short, she totally won.

The New Year

The outlook of the new year can be determined by how you found yourself on New Year’s Morning. Take a look at the list below and see what the new year has in store for you!

Waking up in the gutter – You’re a real go getter who’s not afraid of roughing it a little. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Feeling Refreshed after a full nights sleep – Safe and secure might not be the most glamorous, but it gets the job done. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

With the worst hangover ever – You understand that life is short and it’s important to live each day to its fullest. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Naked next to a stranger – Without risk, there cannot be reward. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Fully clothed, curled up next to your best friend - A lot of things in life may come and go, but friends will always be there for you. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.

Tired cause you stayed up all night – You want to face the world head on and are ready to tackle each challenge as it arises. Expect the new year to be one full of new opportunities.